


Season of Seclusion

by Morgana_avalon



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 19:01:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18394433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana_avalon/pseuds/Morgana_avalon
Summary: Marcus' capturers use rape to break him. Susan is left to pick up the pieces.





	Season of Seclusion

THE SEASON OF SECLUSION

THIS STORY TAKES PLACE AFTER EPISODE THE SUMMONING.

THERE ARE SOME SPOILERS UP TO THIS EPISODE.

DISCLAIMER; THESE CHARACTERS ARE ALL PROPERTY OF JMS, NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IS INTENDED.

RATING NC-17

 

Marcus hurried down the now empty corridors towards the docking area, intent on attracting as little attention as possible. The ranger was doing his best to sneak off the station unnoticed. This mission was very important and he had volunteered to carry it out.

Delenn and Sheridan had been relieved someone had taken this assignment out of free will. Marcus realized there was a chance he wasn't going to return from this one and he accepted that possibility; pretty sure no one was going to mourn his death, Delenn perhaps for feeling guilty she had agreed to sending him on this mission.

The other ranger who had volunteered for the mission had just become a father, having a two months old baby girl; Marcus couldn't find it in his heart to send the man off into a dangerous situation. That baby needed a father.

Marcus checked his uniform once more. Beneath the ranger cloak he wore an Earthforce uniform. His mission was to infiltrate into Clark's forces and get the information Delenn and the Captain required. Lost in thought, he bumped into some one. The ranger was about to apologize and resume his walk when he heard Susan Ivanova's stunned, and angry voice.

" Hey, is that you, Marcus? What are you doing wearing one of Clark's uniforms?"

Great, his luck to walk into the woman he secretly was in love with. Desperately trying to concentrate on his mission, her shouting was distracting him. " Sorry, Susan, but I really have to run." Marcus hoped she wouldn't push matters. But knowing Susan...

Susan Ivanova closely searched the ranger's face. They had just returned from their search for First Ones and ever since their return he had avoided her. Was it because of their conversation on the White Star? Did he feel ashamed cause he had told her he was a virgin? What else could it be? Marcus seemed strangely withdrawn and Susan didn't like it. He didn't even try to irritate her! " Wait a moment, Cole! You’re not leaving before you tell me what's going on." Susan was determined to satisfy her curiosity. The look Marcus gave her was one of extreme discomfort.

" Why don't you go and ask the Captain or Delenn? I really don't have the time to stand here and chat. My shuttle is leaving in a few minutes. " Marcus felt a sting in his heart for a moment. Susan would be the only reason for him to want to return to Babylon 5. But he knew she didn't love him the way he loved her. So, why remain hopeful? He had to face reality; she would never love him; that certainty made him accept these dangerous missions. A revelation hit him; he had a death wish. There was nothing worth living for.

" You can count on it that I am going to ask the Captain. Marcus, ever since we returned from the search.... Something is wrong with you," Susan said, seeing the moment of panic in his eyes. Bull’s eye, she was close.

" I have to be off now. Good-bye, Susan," he replied softly. Marcus ended their conversation abruptly and walked as fast as he could to get out of her sight.

Susan watched him leave, panic apparent on his face. She decided to go straight to John's office to ask for an explanation; she didn't like Marcus' behavior one bit. His good-bye had sounded so damned final!

 

Susan entered John Sheridan's office only minutes later. Delenn was also present and bore a very distressed look on her face.

" John, Delenn, can I have a word with you?"

Delenn seemed to wake up from a trance and waved at Susan to come closer and sit beside her.

Susan declined and remained standing in front of John's desk.

" What is wrong, Susan?" the Captain wanted to know.

Susan noticed the worried expression on John's face. Whatever was going on, it was causing them to be gravely concerned.

" I just ran into Marcus, he was wearing an Earthforce uniform. I want to know what's going on. I should know, John," she said in a determined tone.

John Sheridan nodded his head; she should know. But how to tell her? He looked at Delenn, asking her for help.

Delenn rose and went to stand next to John. " We have reason to assume that there are spies onboard Babylon 5."

" Spies?" Susan questioned.

" Earthforce spies, sent by Clark to find our soft spots in our defense. Our rebellion didn't go unnoticed and we don't want Clark to hold the advantage when it comes down to a fight," John explained.

" That would explain the uniform he was wearing, but why Marcus? He's a stranger to Earthforce customs."

Delenn moved to stand next to her.

Susan had a gut wrenching feeling. Delenn was going to tell her something she didn't want to hear.

The Ambassador took her arm and led her to the couch, forcing her to sit down beside her. 

Susan was surprised to feel the strength in Delenn's frail looking hand.

Delenn looked her straight in the eyes when she continued her explanation." You do not know this, only John and I knew till now. Susan, Marcus was drafted into Earthforce during the Minbari war. He was assigned to Earthforce Intelligence. He knows the routines, he will fade in, and that is why we choose him."

Susan shook off Delenn's hand. Marcus had been in Earthforce? Why had no one told her?

She couldn't picture the ranger working for Earthforce. But if Delenn said it, it had to be truth.

Delenn recognized the horrified look on Susan's face." He got out as soon as he could. From what he told me, he hated his time in Earthforce."

Susan wondered about Marcus Cole. She thought she knew the ranger. What other secrets was he hiding? " Where did you sent him?" she demanded to know.

Delenn and John exchanged a look. It was John who answered her in the end.

" Marcus is on his way to their tactical Headquarters."

Susan was stunned. She knew how well guarded Headquarters was. " You sent him on a suicide mission!" she exclaimed. The Commander looked John hard in the eye. Somewhere in her mind a new emotion was born; fear for the ranger's life. A fear she had never sensed before. It felt like her heart was going to explode.

" He volunteered Susan, we would never force anyone. He knows the risks and he realizes the odds of making it out of there in one piece," Delenn said in a determined tone.

Susan was amazed at her feelings, why was she making such a big deal of it? Marcus Cole was annoying, but she considered him a friend. That was the point. She had lost too many friends and loved ones in the past. She didn't want him to be among them.

" Susan, I didn't know you cared that much for him," Delenn remarked concerned.

Delenn had been observing her reactions. She was certain John had come to the same conclusion. Susan cared a lot for the ranger, but was desperately trying to hide it.

" I'm sorry, Susan, I didn't know he means that much to you," John apologized.

John was cut off when Susan's foggy mind caught on to what they were saying." Hey, wait a sec! I never said I cared for the guy!"

" Perhaps you did no use those words, but your eyes tell a different story." Delenn now had second thoughts about sending Marcus on this mission. She considered Marcus and Susan friends and knew how lonely both of them were. She should have known, should have realized the truth. Now it was too late; Marcus was already on his way to Earth.

Susan rose from the couch, still denying the feeling that cut through her heart. She had known she liked him, but had been too afraid to admit that fact. Now, he was on a mission that could kill him and there was the possibility she would never seen him again. She felt Delenn and John's eyes on her and quickly composed herself. " I have to get back to C&C. My shift hasn't ended yet." Compassion emanated from Delenn as Susan turned to look at her before leaving the room.

" He will return, Susan." Delenn desperately tried to comfort Susan who pretended to be not interested in her sympathy.

The Commander quickly left the Captain's office to be alone with her thoughts.

" I did not know, John," Delenn said in a strangled tone. She walked over to him and rested her head against his shoulder.

" There was no way to know, Delenn. Susan would never have confided in us, nor would Marcus. They are so much alike," he soothed her.

Delenn didn't get any comfort from those words as she pondered the dangers Marcus was in.

 

Susan couldn't help screaming at poor Lt. Corwin when he made a mistake. The whole C&C crew was getting nervous; Susan Ivanova raved most of the time. They sighed in unison when her shift ended and she left C&C at last. Susan realized she had acted like a madwoman, but the only thing she could think about was Marcus in his Earthforce uniform. If he got caught.... Susan was afraid to think of the consequences he would have to face.

" Susan, what is troubling you?" Michael Garibaldi had followed her after recognizing the tension on her face. " Shall we have a drink?"

Susan was undecided, but some part of her needed to talk to some one. " Why not?"

Susan and Garibaldi went to a little sleazy bar in Down Below; a bar which Marcus had frequented as well to stay in touch with his contacts. For the first time in her life she missed him being around.

" Tell uncle Michael what is worrying you," Michael said teasingly and handed her a glass of vodka. He studied her face for a moment.

" Have you ever been to Earthforce Headquarters?" Susan wanted to know.

" No and I am not planning on going there. Its a sure way to get killed," he replied.

" But Marcus is on his way there, on a mission for Delenn," she told him, saddened.

Garibaldi shook his head. " The guy must be suicidal!"

" Well, we established that a long time ago, but..."

Garibaldi noticed her hesitance and wondered why she was so concerned about the ranger. Normally she scowled at him and barely tolerated his presence." You're worried?"

" We both know what can happen to him if they find out he is a spy," she pointed out to him.

Garibaldi nodded his head. He was still puzzled about her worried tone. Did she care for the ranger? Michael was about to reassure her Marcus would be all right when she started to talk.

" Don't tell me everything will be okay. I know it won't. I have this damned feeling." Susan emptied the glass and flung it at the wall. As she watched the glass crash, she felt like she had to throw up. What was happening to her, why was she this emotional?

Garibaldi felt helpless and didn't know how to console her.

 

" Delenn, has there been any news about Marcus?" The Commander studied her face, afraid to find out about that news. Susan tried not to sound too desperate but failed miserably.

Four days had passed since Marcus had left Babylon 5 and Delenn started to feel guilty for putting Susan through this ordeal. If she had only paid more attention to Marcus and Susan's verbal fights then she would have seen the love they had been hiding underneath their scolding. " No, Susan, but he is supposed to call in an hours time. Come to C&C with me. We will wait together."

Susan looked at Delenn and realized this alien Ambassador was probably the only female friend she had on the station. These last four days had been a new kind of torture for Susan Ivanova. She had tried to behave normal when she was working her shift, but she could feel her crew tense up the moment she stepped onto the bridge. The Commander allowed Delenn to take her arm and to escort her to John's office, which was still empty. Susan sat down and stared at the Babcom-console.

" You never told Marcus of these feelings you have for him?" Delenn inquired, while offering her some tea.

Ivanova rather had coffee but Delenn disliked its taste and only drank tea. The question Delenn had asked returned to her mind. " No, when we were on the White Star he told me he was in love with some one who didn't know it yet; that he wanted to make it special. That he had been waiting for her his entire life..." her voice trailed off as Susan remembered the soft, velvet, charming tone his voice had owned when he had told her all these things.

" Did it ever occur to you that he could have been talking about you?" Delenn wanted to plant a seed of doubt in Susan's mind.

Susan had to admit to herself that she had been thinking the same thing. " Why me? I'm no virgin! I wasted my love on people who betrayed me in the end."

Delenn shook her head. She had known Marcus for some time now and had had her suspicions about his feelings for the Commander. " I advice you to ask Marcus as quickly as possible." Delenn cleaned the teacups away when John and Michael entered the office.

John was surprised to find the two women in here. Delenn had told him she felt guilty for not having seen the disguised love between the ranger and Susan." You're already here, perfect. Then we can start the meeting."

Susan and Delenn moved over to the conference table and John started to explain their current situation concerning the Shadows and the Vorlons. Susan wasn't able to listen to him. She was constantly checking the time. The hour Delenn mentioned had almost passed and with every minute her hope to hear from him faded a bit more. John noticed her detached look, but decided not to comment on it. He knew how she had to feel; Delenn had been in danger before.

" Captain, incoming encrypted message."

Susan nearly jumped out of her chair at Corwin's announcement.

" Patch it through,” John said and hoped for Susan's sake it was Marcus. The Babscreen flashed into life

" Hello Captain, Entil'Zha."

Susan sighed, it was Marcus all right. But he looked like hell, his uniform had been ripped into pieces and he looked deadly pale; his eyes were haunted. Susan held on to the fact that he was alive. She felt his stunned look when he discovered her sitting at Delenn's side. Then Susan noticed something else, he was bleeding. The blood dripped bit by bit from behind his ear down his neck. He must have been injured in the last couples of hours.

" Marcus, you look like shit," John tried to lighten the mood, but only Marcus smiled.

" You try to outrun Earthforce troops while being inside their Headquarters and look stunning!" Marcus quipped.

Susan wanted to say something so desperately, but her vocal chords refused to cooperate.

" Back to business," Marcus said," I managed to discover that there are three, not two spies, on Babylon 5. All males. This far I only found one name while hacking their computers. Their security measures are quite ingenious. Took me two days to get passed their passwords. Well, his name is Paul Terrant and he works as a barkeeper in a bar in Down Below. You should have no trouble locating him." Marcus stopped talking and glanced to his right, a concerned look in his eyes. Some loud noises crashed into the transmission.

" Marcus, what is happening?" Delenn divided her attention between Susan and Marcus, worried for them both.

" I'm afraid I have to end our little chat. Earthforce is moving in. I've been found out."

Susan saw his alarmed look and tried to stand up, reaching out to him when from out of nowhere a PPG was fired and hit Marcus in the back. The ranger dropped on to the floor. The screen turning black as Marcus managed to terminate the transmission. Susan still saw his startled face as he took that blow. She couldn't ban that picture from her memory. The joy of seeing him alive was now replaced with fear when she realized he was at their mercy. She knew their interrogation methods. Crumbling into the chair, she stared at the table. The Commander felt Michael's eyes on her and wanted to shout at him but John and Delenn's presence stopped her.

" I will take Susan to her quarters," Delenn announced.

John nodded his approval.

" No, we have to get him out. We can't leave him there to die." Susan's voice was deadly determined. As long as there was a chance to get him out alive they had to risk it.

Michael had to agree with her, as much as he hated going into danger. They had to give it a try. " You can count me in also."

John looked at the faces of his Commander and chief of security. Their resolve was apparent on their faces.

" Are you sure you know what you are getting into? They caught Marcus, why shouldn't they catch the two of you?" John wanted to know.

" Because we will be prepared. I have a plan to get him out," Michael saw the hopeful glance Susan gave him.

" What plan, would you care to enlighten us?' John hated the way this was turning out. He shouldn't have asked Marcus to carry out this mission. Instead, he should have canceled the mission. It was madness to send someone into the heart of Earthforce headquarters. He should have relied on the rangers to find out the traitors. But he had rushed into this. His experience at Zha' dum should have taught him how valuable a human life was, but now he was risking Susan's and Michael's lifes as well.

" I have a ...friend within Earthforce. He owes me big time. I think I can get him to tell me where Marcus is held prisoner. Then I will make some adjustments in his records," Garibaldi informed them.

" What adjustments?" Susan allowed herself to feel remotely hopeful.

" I'll change his records to mark him as a telepath. The only way to overrule Earthforce is to pretend the Corps wants him. In the meantime Susan and I'll show up at the prison and collect him for the Corps. We’ll be in disguise. "

Michael studied Susan's facial expression. There was doubt written all over her face.

" Can you make those changes?" John didn't like this plan, but there was no time to think of something else. If they wanted to rescue the ranger, they had to act immediately.

" I'll make some calls and see what I can do. Susan, meet me at your quarters and bring some dye for your hair...convince Lyta to borrow you a Psi Corps uniform."

Susan grasped this tiny straw of hope and rushed off.

Michael tried to leave too, but John called him back. "Are you sure this will work?"

" No, Captain, but I would like to try, Susan knows what she is getting into and so do I."

" Okay, but be careful, I don't want to lose the both of you too."

Michael nodded, he appreciated John's concern, but he had to help Susan.

 

Susan flipped back her hair and watched her changed appearance. Her brown hair had turned blond. She was amazed at her transformation. Her now fair hair fell over her shoulders and her eye color had also been changed, using some contacts. Brown eyes stared back at her from the mirror. The Commander hardly recognized herself. She straightened out the Psi Corps uniform Lyta had given her. It fitted perfectly, but it gave her goose bumps. She hated wearing it, but if it could save Marcus...Lyta had protested at first, but when she heard why Susan needed it, she had changed her mind.

The door chime announced a visitor and as she opened the door, a stranger walked in to her rooms. At least that had been her first impression. It was Garibaldi. All of a sudden he had brown, curly hair and a long beard. He was wearing his Earthforce uniform once more. They looked at each other; they should be able to pull this one off. Susan was getting worried, hours were passing by and Marcus' fate was uncertain.

" You look unrecognizable," Michael complimented her.

" I hardly recognized you myself." Susan wanted to leave. " Did your ' friend' want to help us?"

" Yes, Marcus' record has been altered, he's a teep now. I also have the necessary papers to get him out of there and our identicards. But I bring bad news. Marcus has been transported to the ' death-camp'. "

Susan sucked in her breath. The State prison had earned that name because of the short time prisoners spend in there before they used to meet with a deadly accident. The prison had an extremely bad reputation. " Then we better get moving, no time to waste."

Michael stopped her as she tried to pass him by. " Susan, I was stationed there for a short time during my training. The prison guards are savagely brutal, there's no way to be sure he will be alive when we get there. "

" I know, Michael, but we can't let him die in that rat- hole all alone."

Michael didn't want to scare Susan any more, but he hoped Marcus had already died so he wouldn't have to suffer their torture methods. The two of them left, gathering a lot of strange looks during their short walk to the docking area. Susan was amazed to see Delenn and John waiting for them to arrive. Susan and Michael walked them by, neither John nor Delenn noticed them, another proof their disguises worked perfectly. Susan smiled slightly at Michael as they turned about and looked Delenn and John in the eyes. " Captain?"

Perplexed, John stared at his Commander and chief. " I never recognized you."

" That is the idea you know." Susan felt Delenn's hand on her arm.

" May Valen guide you." Delenn let go of Susan and found it difficult to keep on to her composure.

Susan gently squeezed her hand before she turned to follow Michael. John watched them leave. " Susan, you definitely look different being a blond," he said softly.

Susan overheard that whisper and shot him an icy glare. She would be glad to get the dye out of her hair once Marcus had safely returned to Babylon 5.

 

Marcus woke up in complete darkness. He was lying on a metal floor and shivered violently from the cold. Desperately, he tried to remember what had happened. He had been shot in the back; apparently the gun had been on stun setting. That would explain why he was still alive. As he discovered that he couldn't move, he panicked. Somehow, his body was in no position to obey his mind's orders. That could only mean he'd been sedated.

The ranger tried to listen for a sign that people were near, but he was covered in complete silence. The cold was getting worse, and then he realized that he no longer felt any fabric on his body. He was this cold because he was naked. Marcus wished he knew where he was and what they had in store for him. His mind drifted briefly to Susan as she sat next to Delenn. He could have sworn her beautiful eyes were worried when he looked at her. But that could have been purely imagination. The moment he started the transmission he knew he was trapped. He had managed to elude the Earthforce troopers for one day after they found out he had no business in their tactical Headquarters. He was marked a spy and traitor and they had began to hunt him down. Only his knowledge of their operating procedures had kept him out of their hands for that long. But now his luck seemed to have run out. The only thing left for him to do was to wait. It was evident they would want answers and they wouldn't hesitate to use every means possible to get them. Marcus quickly closed his eyes when a door opened and a bright light shone into his painful eyes. A large Earthforce soldier entered, no Marcus corrected himself, the man wore a prison guard outfit.

" Lets see how much pain you can bear before you tell me everything I want to know. "

Marcus felt the man's hands on his body and closed his eyes, remembering what the Minbari had taught him about surviving terror. It seemed an eternity before the prison guard left him alone. It had been much worse than he expected. He hadn't told the man what he wanted to know but he had paid a high price. Every muscle in his body ached, he tasted his own blood in his mouth, and he had definitely lost a few teeth. His back hurt where the prison guard had kicked him, several times. He had regained a small amount of control over his movements and clutched his stomach. At first the Earthforce guard had only used his fists while beating him. When the guard discovered that he wasn't giving in he had switched to an electric whip and an iron bar. He could feel the blood flowing down his back. His legs refused to carry his weight and he fell down to the floor once more. When he hit the floor he felt paralyzed, his body wouldn't take much more of this. Marcus hoped the guard would lose patience and kill him in a rush of uncontrolled anger.

Marcus moaned when the door opened again and his nemesis reappeared. The man had an awful smile on his face. Marcus tried to crawl away from him but his body had no more strength left. Why did he come back so quickly? It could hardly been half an hour since he left. Marcus hadn't recovered yet from the previous beating.

" I am back and this time you are going to tell me what I want to know, Cole."

Marcus trembled, they knew his name. That meant they had found his Earthforce file.

" We took your prints. So you were in Earthforce Intelligence, then you have to know all the dirty tricks I can use to make you talk."

The man approached him like a predator his prey. His mind tried to tell him what was going to happen. Marcus tried to say a prayer to Valen but his battered mouth didn't move. No matter what, he wouldn't talk; he wouldn't betray Delenn’s trust in him. He would die here in the obscene darkness, no one to know how his life ended.

 

Susan tapped her fingers impatiently on the control panel. It was driving Michael nuts.

" Susan, stop doing that!"

Susan looked at her fingers as if they had been burned. They were losing precious time. The White Star would take them into orbit of Vega 2 where the prison was situated. It would take them 2 hours to reach the planet, then they would use the Earthforce shuttle they had onboard and land on the planets surface. The planet was bear, except for the prison. Every prisoner who was to escape would die, being shot by the lasers which were installed all along the prison walls.

" Lets go to the shuttle." Michael checked their disguise for a final time and looked for the papers he needed to pull it of.

Susan was glad to get moving. Already 6 hours had passed and she had no idea how long it would take to convince Earthforce to relieve the ranger into their care. Susan sat next to Michael and didn't object when he piloted the shuttle. Her nerves were on fire and she needed to get a grip on herself. There was a deadly silence in the shuttle, both mentally preparing themselves for the task at hand.

" There it is." Michael pointed at the dark, ominous building. Susan’s heart missed a beat. She could see several men in Earthforce uniforms patrolling the building. Michael contacted the prison to get permission to land. Susan saw the look Michael gave her. This was it, there was no way back. Michael got his permission and explained their business. As soon as the shuttle landed four soldiers waited for them to appear.

" Susan, you are in charge. They are afraid of the Corps, use it and no matter what shape Marcus is in, don't show your feelings. It will be tough but that is the only way to get him out of that hell hole."

Susan nodded and braced herself. She reminded herself of the power she had in this uniform. The shuttle doors opened and the sergeant saluted her. Susan nodded her approval and looked the sergeant in the eyes, giving him one of her patented Ivanova's glares. The man tensed up and stepped aside.

" Take us to the commanding officer." Susan did her best to sound arrogant and it seemed to work. The sergeant hurried to obey her orders. Michael stayed one step behind her, thus telling the sergeant the Psi Cop was the boss. The sergeant swallowed hard, even Earthforce had no love for those telepaths. Susan’s nose protested when she smelled blood, vomit and plain fear, coming from the holding cells.

" Psi Corps, how can I help?"

Susan faced the commanding officer, an elderly man, about 50 years old, gray haired but with a truly sadistic smile on his bony face.

" We have come for a prisoner. He’s a rogue telepath and the Corps wants him." Susan carelessly dropped the papers on the desk. She observed the man's reaction. He was furious at the gesture but held his mouth. Susan sighed, luckily this officer was afraid of Psi Corps too.

The officer read the papers and cleared the identicards. He looked at Garibaldi." What is he doing here, I thought this was a Psi Corps matter."

Susan had her answer ready, expecting the question. " My superior, Bester, feels this prison would run much more efficiently with someone else in charge. He recommended chief Mulligan should see for himself.” She smiled in her own intimating way. The officer paled visibly, being confronted with a possible replacement.

" That won't be necessary, things are running subtle at present. Please wait a moment and I will ask guard Wallace to bring the prisoner."

Susan recollected their identicards and moved over to the other side of the hall, accompanied by Garibaldi who tried to get her attention." What is it? You look like you saw a ghost." Susan monitored every move from the corner of her eye. This far every thing went as planned.

" Susan, this Wallace, he was my instructor while I was stationed here. His nickname is the Butcher cause that is how he treats his prisoners."

Susan saw the strangled look in Michael’s eyes. Apparently this Wallace had made quite an impression on Garibaldi when he was younger.

" Get your act together, Michael. As long as he is alive, there is hope!" Susan wanted to take her words back when she saw the bulky prison guard appear. Dragging behind him Marcus, holding him by his hair. He hauled the ranger up to his feet and kicked him with his foot in the back, causing Marcus to fall onto the floor; a moan escaped his shattered lungs.

" Get down there, scum!"

He gave Marcus another kick, to his already bloody head this time. Susan almost forgot her words of caution, as she wanted to run to Marcus and gather him in her arms. She felt Garibaldi’s arm holding her back. Marcus was naked, his entire body covered with bruises and blood. He seemed to be on the brink of losing consciousness. Susan grew scared he would reach out for them for help once he recognized them. Wallace threw a dirty, blood covered blanket at Marcus. Susan stepped up to Wallace, her emotions needed to get out some how. Her frustrations driving her into rage." You stupid jackass, we need him alive. "

Wallace watched her bemused. Susan seemed as small as a child next to him." He is alive." He shrugged his shoulders and left the same way he came.

Susan turned to the officer who was whispering an apology for Wallace’s behavior, afraid of degradation.

" Chief, get him covered up and take him to the shuttle. Perhaps we can repair some of the damage. Bester will not be pleased when he learns about the way they treat rogue telepaths. " Susan grabbed the release forms from the officers shaking hands and watched Michael helping Marcus to his feet. It was evident Marcus couldn't stand or walk on his own. Susan wanted to hold him so badly it hurt.

" Be sure I will tell my superior about this. Even though he is rogue he still belongs to the Corps, screw up like that again and...." Susan saw how he averted his eyes. Susan forced herself to get back into control of her feelings. She walked over to Michael who had managed to put the blanket around Marcus' shoulders at last.

 

Marcus had no idea what was going on. The only thing he knew was that he wanted to die. There was no spot on his body that didn't hurt and the feelings of shame were killing him inside. He felt some one pulling him to his feet. The hands were gentle and not cruel as Wallace hands were. Wallace, the last thing he remembered was the guard sticking a needle underneath his skin, near his wrist. Then his mind went numb, the same paralyzed feeling returned and he lost all his control over his body. For one instant he thought he heard Susan’s voice threatening Wallace but he quickly dismissed the idea. It was another piece of evidence that his mind was getting deranged. He closed his eyes, the light too much to bear. The blood clouded his sight anyway. A second pair of hands supported him on the other side. He attempted to place one foot in front of the other, to walk but Wallace had also used the iron bar on his legs. So he simply stopped moving them. The arms holding him upright. Then he drifted of into unconsciousness. The pain, too much to keep awake.

 

Susan and Michael seated Marcus in one of the chairs inside the shuttle. They strapped him in.

" Susan, there is a med kit beneath his seat, see if you can stop some of the bleeding."

Susan grabbed the med kit and went for the surgically clean bandages, and then she looked at Marcus' face and realized she didn't know where to begin. His whole face was one big mess. She felt tears stinging her eyes but she pushed them back, they were useless now. What Marcus needed was medical attention and she couldn't give him that. " Damned, we should have taken Stephen along on this trip, I only hope he will make it those two hours before we reach Babylon 5."

Marcus seemed to stir when she spoke and she tried to wake him.

" Marcus, can you hear me?' Susan’s hope mingled with fear when he opened his eyes, blood running over the eyelids.

" Is that you? Susan?"

His voice sounded unreal, then she saw the blood flowing from his mouth and she caught it with a clean towel." Don't try to speak, Marcus. You are hurt." His hand searched for hers. When she took hold of it she saw the blue spot were some one had injected a needle. He was drugged. She held his hand gently, afraid to hurt him. " Why don't you try to get some sleep? We will have you in med lab before you know it."

Marcus closed his eyes, clearly exhausted, the blanket had moved down his body and Susan put it back in place, trying to ignore the numerous wounds on his body.

" You’ll stay... with me?"

" Off course, Marcus." Susan looked at Garibaldi who was biting his lip. Michael piloted the shuttle back to the White Star where they took Marcus to the sleeping quarters and rested him on a bed, pulling several blankets over him. He mumbled during his restless sleep but was soothed when Susan told him everything was okay. Susan stayed true to her word and remained at his side the entire time. She was relieved when they docked at Babylon 5 at last. Michael had informed Stephen Franklin of Marcus' condition and upon arriving a med team was waiting for them with a stretcher. Susan released his hand and walked with Stephen to Medlab.

" I have seen him beat up before but nothing like this." Stephen wanted to follow doctor Hobbs into Isolab 1, but was stopped by Michael Garibaldi who took him aside.

Susan didn't hear their conversation but she could have sworn Stephen paled beneath his dark skin. Stephen appeared to be in an even greater hurry now as he raced into Medlab. Susan walked over to Michael and watched him. Michael could stand it no longer and stared at the floor.

 

Stephen ordered a complete check on Marcus Cole. He didn't want to miss even the tiniest scratch. He quickly analyzed the sedative in Marcus' blood. It was rather harmless and Stephen was inclined to let the sedative do its work a little longer. Some of the examinations Marcus had to go through weren't pleasant or even down right painful. He and his team worked on the ranger for two hours before all wounds were disinfected and taken care of. Stephen checked the latest results and was repulsed to find out the test results. He knew he had to be careful in handling this information. He had an obligation to report to Delenn and the Captain concerning the ranger's condition. Knowing Marcus in able and safe hands he walked out of Medlab were Michael and Susan were waiting for some news about Marcus. " I’m on my way to report to the Captain and Delenn. "

" We will come with you, we need to report as well." 

Stephen was remarkably quiet during their walk to the Captain’s office. John and Delenn greeted them warmly.

" I’m so glad you plan worked, Michael." Delenn shook his hands but when she reached Susan she embraced her.

Susan allowed the embrace and started the tale of Marcus' rescue. After she finished she looked at Stephen to get the latest news on Marcus' condition. Stephen seemed even more distressed by now.

" Stephen, how seriously wounded is he?" John Sheridan felt Stephen’s discomfort." Stephen?"

Stephen rose to his feet. " He’s in a bad way, John. As far as I can tell he was beaten violently. I found evidence that his back was worked on with some kind of whip; there are so many lashes on his back. He was also beaten with something made of metal, his legs are bruised and he will have trouble walking the next weeks, possibly even months. His body was filled with a sedative when he was taken into Medlab, that explains the calm state he was in, but...." Stephen hesitated to go on. He shouldn't be telling this, not even to Delenn or the Captain. Marcus would be howling mad should he find out he had told anyone.

" But what, Stephen?" This time it was Susan who urged him on.

Stephen exchanged a look with Garibaldi before he spat it out." He was raped as well."

Susan felt shocked hearing Stephen’s words. This could not be happening. She saw the same baffled look on her friends’ faces.

" He’s still sedated. I really don't know how he will act when he comes around. To be honest; I am afraid for him." Stephen sat down again. The silence crushing them.

Susan tried to focus on the situation at hand. " How can we help?" ** He was a virgin, oh no, this is so unfair.** Susan clenched her fists, trying to keep her anger in check.

Stephen wanted to say something when Garibaldi interrupted him, a lethal edge to his voice." I knew it, Wallace." Garibaldi got up and left the office without giving any explanation at all.

Susan had the distinct feeling Garibaldi wasn't telling her everything. She remembered his haunted look when Wallace came through the door.

" How can we help?" Delenn resumed the conversation, repeating Susan’s question.

" I don't really know. I haven't had that many cases like his. I guess, take it slow. I have to see how he reacts to anyone in Medlab. " Stephen was speechless. Marcus had been through a trauma and there was no way to tell how damaged his mind was from going through this ordeal.

" Can I see him, please? I promise to be careful." Susan almost begged Stephen who wondered where her sudden interest in the ranger was coming from. But he felt a warning would be in place." Susan, if you want to help him getting over this, you have to be there for him all the way. Should he trust you, you have to stick in there, no matter what. It will be grueling for him to acknowledge what happened. I don't know if he is strong enough to fight it and if he wants to fight it. This is something, which could pull him over the fine line of sanity and madness. He will be ashamed and going through a lot of pain."

Susan saw the seriousness on Stephen’s face and understood. She had to commit herself to his care or walk away from him. But it was much too late to turn her back on him. She still had the sick feeling in her stomach from seeing Marcus thrown on the floor by Wallace. " I will be there for him, I know what I am getting in to."

" I doubt that, but I’m glad he has some one to pull him through. You do know he is in love with you, don't you?"

Now Susan was all ears. She looked at Delenn who gave her smile. So, Delenn had been right all this time? " How do you know that?"

" He told me when he just arrived on the station. According to him it was love at first sight, but he is so shy..."

Susan considered their past and all of a sudden everything fell into place, that stupid chart, his confession he was waiting for some one special. That was why he told her, she was the one who was special to him.

“ Lets just go and see how he is doing." Susan looked at John for permission to leave the office.

" May I come with you?"

Delenn looked insecure, something Susan couldn't remember having ever seen before." Sure."

Susan, Delenn and Stephen started their walk to Medlab. Susan could see Delenn still felt guilty. " It is not your fault he runs off on these missions, Delenn. He knows the risks. " Susan had to say something to soothe Delenn’s pain.

" I know.....but it never occurred to me that he could get caught or hurt. He always managed to outsmart his opponents. It is so unreal."

" I know, I feel the same way." Susan knew that words were inadequate to express the depths of their feelings. The line made her think of the Minbari he said to her during a mission on a White Star. She had known then he was lying about the meaning of the words but she was too scared to confront him. They reached Medlab and followed Stephen into Isolab 1. Marcus was lying on the exam bed, his wounds dressed, wearing med lab shirt and pants. Now the blood was gone from his face they saw the lines of suffering on his face. Stephen checked the readings from the machines Marcus was hooked up to.

" I forgot to mention he has two broken ribs and a mild concussion. "

“ Oh Valen, I did this to him!" Delenn touched Susan’s hand for support.

Susan let her be. Nothing she would say could make Delenn’s pain go away." Stephen, I’m going to get out of this uniform and then I get this dye out of my hair. I will be back in 30 minutes. That okay with you?"

" Yes, he will be asleep for at least one hour."

" Susan, may I sit with him till you return?"

Susan wondered why Delenn was asking her permission to sit with one of her own rangers." I would like that very much, then he wouldn't be alone."

Delenn gave her a thankful look and sat down in a chair, trying to hold on to her composure.

Susan left Medlab in a hurry. She didn't want Marcus to wake up and find a strange woman in a Psi Corps uniform sitting at his bed. She had no trouble getting out of the uniform, but she struggled to get the dye out her hair but after washing it a couple of times it vanished, she almost forgot about her eyebrows, but fixed that too. She searched her wardrobe for something that wasn't black. She found a blue long sleeved shirt and pants in the same color. She rushed back to Medlab, afraid he had woken up already. He looked the same way as when she had left him. At her return Delenn got up and let go of his bandaged hand. Susan gave her a hug, she couldn't stand to see Delenn like this. Delenn quietly left Isolab 1 and Susan took the vigil over from Delenn. She watched his bruised face. Damn him, why did he have to volunteer for missions like these?. She swore to break him from that habit. No more death wish. Susan only stared at him, intending to detect the first signs indicating he was reaching consciousness again. She didn't have to wait for long. He stirred, trembled and was rigid once more. Susan got up and touched his face ever so lightly.

" Marcus, you have to fight this, if you can hear me, wake up, please."

Marcus whimpered painfully and tried to open his eyes. Susan immediately pressed the button that would call Stephen Franklin to the room. " Marcus, everything will be all right, you have to believe in that." Susan grew worried when his trembling worsened. All of a sudden he jerked away from her.

" No, leave me alone... I... the pain.... please no more..."

Marcus seemed to have little control over his body as he frantically pulled away from her. Susan wanted to hold on to him but he fell to the floor, a muffled scream fighting its way through. His bandaged legs still refused to co-operate so he just lay there. His eyes tightly shut, protecting his head with his injured arms. Susan didn't know what to do.

Luckily Stephen joined her that moment. He took in the situation and tried to act accordingly." Susan, talk to him, something personal, a joke he once made, something like that. " In the meantime, Stephen gabbed a glass of water and some tranquillizers. Marcus had to calm down.

Susan said the first thing that came to mind." I know this is no four poster canopy bed but perhaps one day... and then you could hang that crazy map of yours above it." Susan was relieved when the trembling lessened.

Marcus slowly lowered his arms, trying to focus on her but everything was one big mess. He couldn't distinguish her face from the other swirling colors. " Susan, then it wasn't a dream...."

 

" No dream, Marcus."

Marcus watched her hand come closer and shied away from it.

Susan frustrations were growing. What had they done to him? " It’s all right, Marcus. I’m not going to hurt you, but you have to get back into bed." Susan sighed when he stared blankly at her. " You remember Stephen, don't you? It was your greatest hobby to annoy the hell of out of him." Susan beckoned him to come closer.

" Hello Marcus, We’re going to put you back on the bed, understood?"  
Marcus didn't respond, he only registered the male voice near him, sending off flashbacks of Wallace beating him. He didn't resist when he felt hands pulling him to his feet and laying him in bed again.

Susan tucked him in. Stephen had been right, this was going to be a nightmare.

" Susan, see if you can make him drink this." Stephen had dissolved the tablet into the water.

Susan took the glass and slipped her hand underneath his neck, supporting him while he drank. He still didn't protest, he seemed detached." Drink this, Marcus. It is good for you." Marcus swallowed as ordered and Susan returned the now empty glass to Stephen. She gently took his bandaged hand and stroked the little piece of skin shining through the bandages. " What was in it, Stephen?"

" Something to calm him down, but not strong enough to put him to sleep. I will be close, try to bring him out of it. He is isolating himself, the worst that can happen is that he doesn't want to come back to us. "

 

Stephen left her. Susan watched as Marcus calmed down. The trembling stopped, but he didn't move or say something. The empty stare worried her. He didn't react when she said his name or asked him how he was feeling.

Marcus still felt paralyzed, although he had gained control of his body, his mind wasn't ready to deal with everything that had happened to him. He still saw images of Wallace, beating him, abusing him. He couldn't make it go away. He was startled to find Susan sitting beside his bed, holding his hand. He wanted to shake her hand off but at the same time he didn't want to be alone. He could do nothing as his mind took him on another trip to the prison. He still saw Wallace’s sadistic eyes. They seemed to stay with him every second. Marcus knew he was in Medlab and tried to throw the images from his mind, but again to no avail. Stephen would know what had happened to him. Knowing Stephen he would only confide in people he trusted. But did Susan know? He peeked at her eyes and saw what he was so afraid of. She knew too. That was it. Marcus felt his mind going mad again and clenched his teeth, he felt he missed two teeth, in the back of his mouth. He closed his eyes and felt unclean, not worthy of any attention or sympathy. He would never be able to look his friends in the eye again, certainly not Susan.

Susan was tired when after 12 hours Marcus still didn't react to anything or anyone. Stephen had attempted to make him eat or drink something but Marcus kept his mouth closed, refusing to take in any food or water. It had made Stephen furious and after a lecture that he should accept his friend’s help, Stephen ordered to feed him through an IV-tube. Stephen asked Susan to talk to him outside the room. Stephen was sure Marcus was conscious and heard everything said to him. He just refused to answer them.

" Stephen, how can we help him?"

" I honestly don't know. He has to snap out of this stupor. This isn't healthy. "

" But how?"

Stephen had no answer to that question. When Susan re-entered the room Marcus had rolled over and lay on his right side. Susan saw the fresh wounds on his back, which Stephen had treated. She looked at the jar with salve in it. She sat down and started to rub it on his back, sometimes he moaned from pain, but still he didn't say a single word. Susan tried to get him talking again, but there was only silence answering her. After another 10 hours of complete silence she drifted into sleep, still holding his bandaged hand in her own.

Marcus saw she was asleep and turned to watch her. She should not be here, there was nothing worth saving in him. He looked at the IV-tube with fluids in it. He briefly considered pulling them out but he knew Stephen well enough to know that he would put him in restraints and that wasn't something Marcus was looking forward to.

After a little while Stephen came in, woke Susan and told her to go to sleep in the next room, he needed to examine Marcus. So Susan rose and Marcus was totally stunned when she kissed him lightly on his brow. He had to force back some tears, he didn't want her to see him like this. Susan whispered his name and left the room.

" Marcus, I know you hear me, answer me!" Stephen stood next to the bed as he checked the monitors and the IV-tube.

Marcus didn't intend to respond. Stephen came closer and though his heart told him not to be afraid of his friend, fear controlled every muscle.

Stephen noticed it and knew Marcus was listening. " Marcus, open your eyes, that is all I am asking. You can do that for me, for Susan, can't you?"

Marcus was tempted to look at the doctor. His eyes flashed open before he knew it.

" Thank you, Marcus." Stephen had a hard time keeping his emotions in check, this was the first time in almost a day now that Marcus responded to anything at all." Now tell me where it hurts."

** No, can't do that, wont talk to you** Marcus pressed his lips together. He wanted Stephen to leave him alone, even though there were so many questions in his mind that needed to be answered, for example how he did he get out of that prison?. His memory was blurry and the only thing he remembered was a blond woman in some uniform.

" Come on, Marcus. Try!"

Stephen looked him in the eye with so much worry, unspoken sympathy and reassurance that Marcus closed his eyes. He didn't want Stephen’s sympathy, he wanted to die.

 

Susan woke from her sleep and went over to see Marcus. Five days had passed and the situation hadn't changed a bit. Marcus was still not responding to anyone and he was fed through the IV- tube. Susan had talked to him every day, not leaving his side except for the times that Stephen forced her to catch some sleep. But she didn't tell him about his escape, too afraid it would do more harm than good. Susan, Stephen and Delenn were watching Marcus from a window in the corridor. His eyes were open but his body was still.

" His wounds are all healing nicely, it is his mental state that is worrying me. "

Susan nodded. Delenn watched Marcus. There had to be a way to bring him out of this stupor he was in. Susan was thinking everything over. Even she had not been able to get him out of his chosen isolation. Suddenly an idea came up in her mind. That should work, if it didn't... perhaps he would be lost to them forever. She told her friends of her plan and though Stephen thought it way too hazardous, but he went along with it in the end. He knew that the longer Marcus would stay this way the more difficult it would be to get him back.

 

Marcus woke from troubled sleep. Most of the time he feigned he was asleep. His dreams were full of flashbacks and pain. So he reduced his sleeping periods to a minimum. But sometimes he was so exhausted and the pain so bad Stephen gave him an injection to go to sleep. Though he didn't talk to Stephen, the doctor monitored him closely, knowing when his pain was overwhelming him. Stephen was coming in from time to time to check on him. Every time Stephen tried to get him talking but Marcus kept quiet. He guessed that 5 or 6 days had passed since he woke up in Medlab. Susan had told him she had to resume her work in C&C but would come by every day.

His feelings about her were unclear, he wanted her close, and she gave him a sense of safety. But at the same time he was happy she didn't spend all her time in Medlab. She had to go on with her life. She had to forget he even existed. He wasn't worth her time or care.

" Still obnoxious, Marcus? When are you going to break that irritating silence? It is even more annoying than hearing your remarks." Stephen pulled up a chair and sat down, watching Marcus who pretended to be in sleep. He was still force feed through the IV- tube because he refused to eat. Stephen looked at his wounds, applied the salve to his back and redressed the injuries. Marcus was covered in bruises. Stephen missed the ranger’s cocky attitude. He even missed that damn pike Marcus could open and close for hours. Marcus' pike was lost, it had been taken away from him during his capture. “ I’ll be back in an hour to look in on you, Marcus."

Marcus heard him leave and peeked through half open eyelids if he was alone. He sighed and tried to lift his legs. They were still aching badly. He succeeded in lifting them slightly but pain forced him to stop. He repeated the same procedure with his arms. His bandaged, right arm, seemed paralyzed, but he managed to raise his left arm. He attempted to push himself up, but felt dizzy. Marcus didn’t know that Delenn and Stephen were watching him from behind the window. His mind was still too clouded to think about that window.

“ He is getting stronger, but we need to get him talking to us." Delenn smiled at Marcus' attempts to push some hair back. He failed, his arm refused to be raised any further. Delenn knew that if she went in now, Marcus wouldn't move anymore nor would he react to her. " I hope Susan’s plan will work, though it is dishonest to Marcus."

" Delenn, at this point I would even make a pact with the devil to get him responding to us."

Delenn looked at him, not understanding the remark.

" It is an Earth thing, forget it."

Stephen and Delenn walked over to the entrance were Susan was preparing her little performance.

Susan was rubbing a red substance over her head and hands. She was sitting on a stretcher and two nurses were waiting for orders.

" Susan, are you sure you want to do this? There is no telling how he will react." Stephen still was a bit worried. Susan’s plan was risky, but he had to agree with her that they needed to snap Marcus from his seclusion.

" Yes, can't stop me now. Just make sure you keep your part of the deal!" Susan lay down on the stretcher and squeezed Stephen’s hand to give him the strength he needed.

" All right then, let's do it." Susan closed her eyes and began to moan as if she was in terrible pain.

Stephen had to keep his face straight or he would have burst out laughing. “ Don't overdo it, Susan!" Stephen signaled the nurses to grab the stretcher and started to shout to clear the way. He needed to get Marcus' attention so he yelled; " Out of the way, the Commander is injured badly!"

Susan couldn't help to chuckle for a moment. She didn't think herself a good actress but she was determined to make this work, after all, all she needed to do was to lie there and moan.

 

Marcus froze when he heard Stephen shouting. Something had happened to Susan? He felt fear spreading in his heart. He had to know how badly injured she was. Not thinking rationally anymore he pushed back the pain as he placed his feet on the floor. A rush of pain flashed through his broken body. Several IV's were pulled out of his hands. He reached out for the wall and using the methods the Minbari had taught him to fight the pain, he stumbled over to the door, just in time to see Susan. She was lying on a stretcher, her head and hands covered with blood. It ripped his heart apart. " Not Susan, please not Susan too!"

Marcus forced his mind to take control of his body and opened the door. The corridor was empty and he had to hold on to the wall to keep from falling to his knees, the pain shooting through his body like long sharp knives. He heard Stephen calling out for the nurses and tripped over some cables lying on the floor. The door opened and he fell to the floor, his eyes trying to assess the damage done to Susan Ivanova. He hardly registered Stephen’s laughing face, his eyes staring at the stretcher. " Stephen, is she all right? ” Marcus watched in bewilderment how the nurses giggled and left the room. They couldn't desert Susan like that. He wanted to call them back but he was growing weaker. Stephen walked over to him and helped him to his feet. Marcus leaned heavily on him.

" Stephen, don't mind me, you have to help her!" Marcus begged him with a pain stricken face. He wondered if Stephen had gone insane; his friend was smiling warmly at him.

" She is just fine, Marcus."

As he spoke those words Susan sat up on the stretcher, swung her legs to the floor and marched towards him. Suddenly Marcus understood the trap for what it truly was. He was lost for words and stared at Susan.

“ So, it seems our patient can walk and talk after all, but let's get you to bed again. You are not up for this little excursion." Susan stepped in front of Marcus and supported him also. Together they walked him back to his bed.

The pain from the stunt he had pulled crushed Marcus.

Susan helped him getting back in bed and Stephen left them alone, knowing Marcus would rather open up to Susan. She quickly removed the water paint and watched his puzzled gaze and knew what he was thinking." Oh, no you don't. You are not going to hide behind those walls of yours. You are going to talk to me!"

Marcus felt so vulnerable. Those walls had been his salvation during these last days. Now they were down, he couldn't hide his feelings any longer. He was totally defenseless.

Susan realized that also. " Marcus, please say something, no matter what." Susan was desperate to hear his gentle voice again. But when he spoke he sounded croaked and broken.

" What do you want me to say?"

Susan felt so relieved, he had spoken to her. The first step had been taken. He was laying on his right side, avoiding his back, the wounds there still stung. His eyes were open, but it looked like he could begin to cry any minute. She caressed his hand once more.

Marcus didn't understand what was going on. He had figured out that they staged the accident to lure him from his stupor, but he never imagined Susan would care enough for him to do so. But then again she had been at his side till now. She had seen him screaming in pain that first night when she had accidentally switched off the lights. The darkness bringing back terrible memories. She had hugged and comforted him when the lights were back to normal settings. He had never been afraid of the dark before, until now. Why did she care so much for him?

" How are you feeling?"

Marcus was snapped away from his pondering when he heard her question. He realized there was no way back now. She was going to make him face it all; it frightened him." Not too bad."

It was a lie and she saw it for what it was. " Marcus, I only want the truth."

Marcus trembled when he heard her warning. " I… don't know. There is pain... but... you make me feel so safe." Susan gave him an astounding smile. It warmed his heart and somewhere in his mind he felt hope.

" Aren't you angry I misled you, a moment ago?"

Marcus carefully shook his head, he still felt dizzy and weak. " No, I am... so glad... that you aren't injured. I felt so scared when Stephen wheeled you in. Stephen, he was in on this too?"  
" Yes, but it wasn't easy to convince him to play along."

Marcus wasn't aware of his intense stare at her face. Susan knew that instant that Delenn and Stephen were right; he loved her. And perhaps she could let her own defenses down and let him in. But first he had to get better. She hesitated to talk about his mission but she knew he had to start dealing with it. She wanted to ask him why he always went off on these missions when Stephen walked in and asked her to step out of the room. He had to talk to Marcus about his injuries. Susan was disappointed to be forced to leave him but knew Stephen had to do his job. She made sure the door was closed and no one would hear them.

“ I’m glad you decided to join the living again. You gave all of us a good scare. Even Delenn is worried sick about you." Stephen hooked the IV’s up once more. Marcus seemed uncomfortable with his presence. " There is the matter of your condition we have to talk about."

Marcus avoided Stephen’s eyes. He wished Susan were back in the room.

" Are you still with me, Marcus?"

" Yes, Stephen."

** No jokes, he must be feeling bad!** Stephen caught his eyes at last. " Well, you have two broken ribs, your back is healing nicely. Did they use a wipe?" Stephen knew he had to choose his words carefully. Marcus was mentally unstable.

" Yes." Marcus tried to hide from Stephens glare but found it difficult to focus on one thing for a long time.

" You have a mild concussion, you left two teeth behind and there is basically no piece on your body that isn't bruised or painful, right?" Stephen knew he couldn't postpone the issue any longer. Marcus was getting more nervous with every passing minute. He had to say it. " There will be no short or long term effect from ...his abuse." ** Damn** He couldn't say it in Marcus' face, though he knew he should. Marcus paled considerably and his voice shook with emotion as he spoke.

" I don't want to talk about that." Marcus wanted to run and leave everything behind. He wanted those walls back up, but didn't know anymore how to do it. He had no strength to do it anyway.

" You have to, Marcus. You are the victim, you aren't to blame for what happened. "

“ I know that too, Stephen, but it still happened, it still hurts." His voice dropped as he spoke.

" Tell me, Marcus." Stephen knew he had to try to make Marcus open up. He didn't know if it would work. The pain too fresh.

“ He wanted answers, I wasn't telling him what he wanted to know..." Marcus fumbled at the bandage around his arm. Stephen touched his hand to make him stop doing that. The bandage had to stay in place. Marcus jerked away from his touch.

" I am sorry, Marcus." Stephen withdrew his hand. He had to concentrate, he was the professional in here. " I will keep you in Medlab for at least one week, if needed longer." Marcus didn't object, it worried Stephen. " Are you going to eat and drink now? Then I can free you of the IV."

Marcus wavered before giving his answer. It appeared he had more and better friends than he had thought. If they cared that much for him…I promise to eat, Stephen."

Stephen was satisfied and removed the Iv-tube; Marcus shivered. " Are you cold?"

" A little bit."

Stephen got a blanket and put it on top of the other blanket. He briefly felt Marcus' forehead. It could be a slight fever. Maybe he should increase the dose anti biotics. " Do you want me to send Susan back in?"

" Yes, please." Marcus began to feel tired but fought his sleep, fearing the nightmares.

" I can give you something to sleep." Stephen offered his help, but Marcus declined.

Stephen left and Susan returned in his place. She sat down on the edge of the bed. " Get some sleep, Marcus. I will sit with you."

" You will?" He dozed off to sleep. Her presence soothing him, feeling secure, not hearing her last words. . " Yes, my love."

 

Susan read through all the paperwork she had to catch up with. John had given her some time off. She had spread her papers over the little table. She placed the table in such a way that she faced Marcus. From time to time she watched up from her files and went over to check on him. Feeling his hot brow she was getting concerned and called in Stephen.

" I think you are right, his fever is getting worse. I think I know where the fever is coming from."

Marcus didn't wake when Stephen unwrapped the bandage around his wounded arm. Susan looked at the arm. There was a white piece of bone penetrating the flesh. She shuddered.

" It is infected. I have to operate on the arm." Stephen warned a nurse to prep the operating theatre. He gave Marcus the pre med injection. Marcus would sleep through everything. It seemed the best way to do it.

" How long will it take?"

" I’m not sure, 1 hour, perhaps more, perhaps less."

" Then I will use that time to get something to eat and I am going to take a shower. There are no risks, concerning this surgery?"

" No, I have done this quite some times."

" I will be back in an hour."

Stephen watched Marcus sleep. He definitely had to increase the dosage anti biotics. The arm was infected. He had to make sure nothing else would go wrong.

 

Susan was on her way back to Medlab when Delenn and John walked up to her. They accompanied her to Medlab. They wanted to visit Marcus.

" So, how is our ranger doing?" John looked bemused at his second in command. As far back as he could remember she had never been so concerned and emotional about anything or anyone.

" Stephen had to operate on his arm. He should be out of surgery by now."

Delenn was still not convinced Marcus was going to make it. She had heard Susan tricked Marcus into action but... she felt guilty for the ranger’s condition. " I am sorry to hear that."

John took Delenn’s hand in his and together they walked into Medlab. Stephen had witnessed their entrance and walked up to them. Susan, worried, couldn't wait any longer. " Is he all right?"

" Yes, the operation was just fine. He is sleepy from the medication but he should be waking up any moment now. He is back in Isolab 1."

Susan didn't wait, she almost ran to his room. Marcus was lying in his bed, a peaceful expression on his face. She sat next to him on the bed and watched him sleep.

Marcus was drowsy but he sensed that he wasn't alone. There was something familiar about this person. He astonished himself by actually opening his eyes. Susan was sitting close to him, holding his hand.

" I’m glad you are back, Marcus."

" What happened?" The last thing Marcus remembered was Stephen freeing him of the IV. One look told him he was hooked up again. He moaned.

" Are you in pain?"  
" What happened?" Marcus repeated the question, feeling too weak to get in to a verbal fight with her.

" Your arm got infected. Stephen had to operate on it."

Marcus felt the wave of pain coming from his wounded arm. He looked up at Susan again. " Why are you still at my side?" It had not been his intention to say the words. He wished he could take them back. He didn't want to hear her answer.

" Because I really care a lot for you." Susan wanted to say; because I love you. But she didn't want to rush things. There were so many things Marcus had to deal with at this point.

Marcus didn't know what to say. He could tell she was honest.

" Do you feel up to having some visitors?"

" Why not?" Marcus was surprised there were people who actually wanted to visit him. He didn't have that many friends, most of them died. The door opened and he recognized the Captain and Delenn. He wanted to bow to Delenn but she stopped him, reaching out to his chest.

" Please, lay down, you are hurt."

Marcus relaxed a bit. He didn’t expect the harassed look on Delenn’s face.

" Marcus, feeling better?"

The Captain’s voice made him leave his thoughts behind and he focused on his visitors. John Sheridan extended his hand to pat him on his shoulder but as the hand came closer he tried to get away from it. What was the matter with him?

John saw the reaction and stopped. Marcus was staring at the hand. " It is okay, Marcus." John tried to calm him and now the hand no longer was in sight Marcus managed to regain his composure.

" Sorry, Captain, Entil'Zha," Marcus apologized but he could feel his eyes closing from fatigue. He surrendered to the nothingness and slept.

" We will come back later. I hope he will pull through." John gave Susan an encouraging look. " Should you guys need anything..."

" Thanks, John, Delenn, I appreciate it."

Delenn and John left Isolab 1 and Susan resumed her paperwork. At least she tried to but her thoughts drifted off to Marcus.

 

Marcus had slept for four hours when he started to wake up. He wanted to turn onto his other side but his body objected when he moved." Bugger!"

Susan heard the word and immediately went over to him. " Hello sleepy" Susan was happy he was awake again.

" Hello Susan." Marcus felt her hands, helping him move on to his other side. Then she reached for a tray and took a glass from it.

" You need to drink. Stephen took you off the IV’s so you have to eat and drink. You promised you would." Susan sat beside him and placed the mug at his lips. " It is tea with a little bit of honey. Lennier told me you liked your tea that way. He brought some of your stuff over, including the teabags." Susan hoped she sounded casual. Lennier had been over one hour ago and had brought some of Marcus' things, a uniform, some books.

Marcus wanted to please her and drank the tea. Susan was pleased indeed but not yet satisfied.

" And now you eat the sandwich I made for you."

" You made sandwiches?" Marcus had trouble believing her. Susan acted hurt when she handed him the sandwich. Marcus succeeded in eating it by using the arm that had not been injured.

Susan put the tray away and looked him in the eye. Somehow he held her prisoner in those eyes. She had to force her eyes to look somewhere else. " Stephen says your injuries are healing just fine. " Susan felt a bit awkward, not knowing how to proceed from here.

Marcus' mind was somewhere completely else though. He felt ashamed about the way he had acted during the Captain’s visit. Would it be like that the rest of his life? Always being afraid?

" A penny for your thoughts." Susan stroked a lock of his hair back from his face.

Marcus realized he couldn't tell Susan his problems and quickly thought of something else. " I was wondering how I got out."

Susan knew what he was referring too. " You want to know?"

Marcus saw no way out of it, he had asked the damn question, hadn't he? " Yes."

Susan continued to stroke his hair. It didn't seem to cause him any pain." After your transmission Garibaldi and I decided we had to get you out. I acted like a Psi Cop and we managed to pull it off. "

" Psi Corps uniform?" At the edges of his mind, he remembered." I saw a blond haired woman... that is all I remember."

" That was me. "

Marcus closed his eyes. " You came to get me?"

" Yes."

Marcus couldn't believe it. She cared enough for him to go after him, to get him out of that hell. She had saved his life. Marcus fought back his tears once more. " Then you know what... happened in the prison?"

Susan saw his fear, his shame. " I know and it makes no difference to me. You are still Marcus Cole and I want to help you."

Marcus didn't understand her. Why did she care this much? He was an invalid. Even if his body would heal from that violent assault, his mind would be scarred forever." Please go away."

" What?" Susan thought she misunderstood.

" I am nothing, useless, you shouldn't be here all this time. ..." Marcus' voice broke as he hid his face by covering it with his arm. 

Susan was moved. At last he told her how he really was feeling. " Mar.." She was cut short by another voice. A voice she didn't expect to hear in here.

" Marcus Cole."

She looked over her shoulder. Lorien entered the room. Marcus lowered his arm, he recognized the alien. He had met him once, briefly, they had never talked though. Lorien looked at Marcus in his own unique way.

Marcus felt exposed, scared.

Lorien approached them and stopped when he stood next to Susan. " I hope I am not interrupting. I heard about your... pain." Lorien pronounced each word with emphasis.

Marcus found he couldn't disconnect his eyes from Lorien. Marcus was on the edge of panic. The pain and shame driving him insane.

" Susan, may I? " Lorien pointed to the place where she was seated. She rose and moved to the end of the bed. In the short time she knew Lorien, she had begun to trust him. Lorien sat down, slowly and reverently.

Marcus wanted to get out of bed and run. Something about Lorien made him extremely nervous. Lorien's eyes pierced into his mind, finding the core of his pain and shame. Then he heard Lorien’s voice, so warm, so soft, so caressing, it made him cry.

" You are loved by so many. You can't let your heart go dead, child. What happened to you was... terrible. You have to realize that you are not alone. Open your heart, child, allow them in, allow their love to heal you. It is not your destiny to waste away in this room. "

Marcus could only listen. His body seemed to have gone numb, the pain gone for the moment. He felt warmth coming from Lorien’s hands as they touched his temples. The warmth was kind, full of promises. It spread through his broken body, relaxing the tense muscles. Hot tears flowed from his eyes as he lost himself in that warmth. He had never before in his life experienced something like it.

Lorien beckoned Susan to take his place. Susan had watched with amazement as the lines of pain on Marcus' face softened and as he started to cry. " Hold him. He needs you. " Lorien moved back to the entrance and left as quietly as he had arrived.

Susan hugged him, holding him close. She had no idea what just occurred but it seemed Marcus was finally able to let go of his hurt. She didn't talk, neither did he. He sobbed and Susan offered him consolation. They remained that way for some time, Susan breaking the embrace. As she looked in his eyes she still saw a fragment of the warmth Lorien had given him. " Everything will be just fine, Marcus. You have a lot of friends who want to help you. You just have to let us in."

Marcus rested his weary head against her shoulder, feeling secure and loved. He looked up at Susan and he had no idea why he kissed her.

Marcus froze when his lips brushed hers. This kiss had never been his intention. Suddenly he was awfully scared he had made a lethal mistake. He braced himself for Susan’s slap. Perhaps an apology could prevent her from becoming mad at him, but he doubted that. " Susan, I am so sorry… I don't know why I did that, please forgive me... I will never do it again.... cross my heart and hope to die... " He was babbling and he made sure to avoid looking in her eyes. He dropped his gaze and awaited her wrath.

** Stupid, stupid**

Now she would leave him and he would have to face his terror alone. Marcus wondered why she hadn't slapped him yet. He had seen the disbelief in her eyes when he kissed her. She had to be taken by surprise to allow him to kiss her. Still, there was no slap burning his face yet and he was so confused that he actually looked up at her. A wondrous expression was playing across her face. He felt lost and terrified. " Please Susan, don't be mad at me... I am... I am so sorry... Don't leave me alone." Marcus desperately needed a response. Even a slap would be welcome right now.

Susan had been amazed at his attempt to kiss her, she hadn't expected it. But it had felt so good. She heard him rave, trying to save the situation. He looked hurt and was avoiding her eyes. She didn't know what to say so she leaned in and kissed him, gently, softly, tasting his mouth.

Marcus couldn't believe this was really happening. Susan released his bruised lips carefully and caressed his face. They didn't say a word. Susan pulled him a little bit closer, holding him, at the same time making sure she wasn't putting any pressure on his wounds. She read the questions in his eyes. She was determined to take the first step, he needed to know she loved him. " Marcus, I love you. "

Her words sent shivers through his body. Fear and bliss were battling inside his mind. His most secret wish had become true, she loved him. But... He couldn't allow her to throw away his life by taking care of him. He was only a shadow of his former self. He berated himself, he had to love her enough to let her go. She would meet another she could love, someone who wasn't a cripple and emotionally scarred. " Susan, this was my mistake. I should never have kissed you."

Susan looked up at his words, feeling some hot anger building inside her. Was he pushing her away? Was he re-erecting those damned walls? " Marcus, what are you saying?"

"You deserve someone who isn't an invalid, Susan. I don't even know if I can ever wield a pike again. I could never protect you."

Now Susan understood and her anger vanished at once. He was trying to push her off the bed but Susan held on. He hardly had any strength in his arm. He wasn't getting out of this so easily. He had made her fall in love with him, his never-ending attempts to make her see he meant it, had won her over. " Stop that, Marcus. You need some time to heal. There is no one out there I want, but you. I only want you, Marcus."

Marcus couldn't tell her how much this meant to him. Susan sought out his lips again and kissed him passionately, making him looking her in the eye. The only thing Marcus saw in her eyes was true love. Susan made sure he lay comfortable down in bed and tucked him in.

" You get better now. Try to get some sleep. I will stay in Medlab with you." Susan knew this had exhausted him. No matter what Lorien had done to Marcus, it had helped him greatly.

Marcus nodded and closed his eyes. This time he didn't dream of the prison or Wallace, his dreams were about Susan.

 

Susan was getting more frustrated by the second. She was going through all these files and none of the reports made sense to her. It had taken her two hours to clear her mind from the memory of Marcus' tender kiss before she could read one paper. She still trembled from emotion when she remembered his soft lips and baffled look.

" Susan, I need to talk to you. "

Susan wasn't expecting to see John Sheridan in Medlab. She left her files and stepped outside on the corridor. She didn't want to wake Marcus now he was sound asleep. " Captain?"

John took her arm and led her to some chairs. At that point Lennier entered Medlab, carrying a parcel. When he caught sight of Susan he went to her and the Captain. " May I visit Marcus?"

" Naturally, Lennier, but he was asleep a moment ago."

" I will not disturb him." Lennier continued his walk to Isolab 1 and went inside.

Susan concentrated on the Captain once more.

" Susan, do you remember that Marcus was sent on this mission to find those spies? Well, we managed to arrest one, we are still searching for the other two. But we know who they are and what they look like, it is only a matter of time before we catch them."

Susan nodded. But she sensed there was something else, troubling him.

" It is about Michael, " John told her.

" Michael?"  
John was searching for a way to tell her gradually what Michael had done. " Michael… ‘borrowed’ a Starfury. A ranger reported in to Delenn, telling her Michael was seen in the State Prison."

" He went back? Did he lose his mind?" Susan wondered what more John had to tell her.

" You could say he lost his mind. This ranger also told us that a man was killed that night while Michael was inside."

Susan knew now what Michael had been up to. She sighed. " Let me guess, Wallace is dead?"

" Exactly, he was discovered inside a cell. Apparently he had hung himself."

Susan realized Michael was involved somehow. She thought back and visioned his eyes when he saw Wallace walking in with Marcus. There had been something in his eyes she couldn't identify. " Where is Michael now?"

" According to my latest information he is coming back, his Starfury was seen leaving Vega 2 one hour ago."

" I want to talk to him when he gets back."

" Susan, let me talk to him first. And don't tell Marcus what occurred. Not yet anyway."

Susan understood his concern; she didn’t plan on telling him.

 

Lennier tiptoed into the room. Marcus' eyes were semi open. He seemed to be in the process of waking up. Lennier felt unprepared to face his friend. Delenn had told him what Marcus had been through. She needed to talk to someone and John had to work, he worked Susan’s shift too.

Lennier knew not how humans dealt with this kind of pain. He put his parcel on the floor and approached the bed slowly, giving Marcus time to get used to his presence.

" Lennier? Is that you?"

" Yes, Marcus. I brought some more things you might need." Lennier felt the chilly silence in the room. He had to break the ice.

" How are you feeling, worse than after Neroon beat you up?” Lennier was surprised to see a tiny, shy smile on Marcus' face.

" Yes, Neroon didn't go all the way....in the prison they finished what they started."

Marcus tried to be casual about it but Lennier didn't buy it. He knew Marcus too well to fall for that." If you prefer to be alone, please let me know and I will leave. I do not want to intrude."

" No, Lennier, stay. I hate to be all by myself. It makes me think of things I want to forget."

Lennier seated himself in the chair. It wasn't usual for Minbari to sit. They liked to stand or lay at an angle, using cushions. He pulled the parcel closer. Marcus tried to see its content. " Delenn asked me to prepare some soup for you. It seems Susan told her the food doctor Franklin serves in here is uneatable." Lennier placed the plastic bowl on the edge of the bed.

" I didn't know you liked to cook, Lennier."

" Well, I have many hidden talents."

Marcus managed an uncertain smile, was Lennier trying to be funny?

" How long will you have to stay in Medlab?"

Marcus tried to sit up but resigned quickly, his back hurt too much. He knew Stephen wouldn't let him out of Medlab before he was certain he was going to cope with his past. This could become his longest stay in Medlab till now. Marcus knew he couldn't sneak out this time, Stephen would find him and make him stay even longer. He realized Lennier was waiting for an answer. " I don't know, a week at least."

Lennier wanted to comfort his friend. Marcus was one of the few humans he had learned to trust. Awkwardly he took Marcus' hand in his and held it. Marcus' hand was stone cold and the Minbari’s slightly higher body temperature warmed his hand.

Marcus was a bit astonished by Lennier's action. His first instinct was to pull his hand back, but then Lorien’s word’s came back to him. ** You are loved by so many, let their love heal you.** Marcus resigned and relaxed at his friends touch. Then all lights died in the room and an unholy darkness swallowed him.

Lennier could feel how Marcus started to shake on the bed. Something was amiss." Marcus? I will go and call doctor Franklin so he can restore the lights in the room. It is a minor technical disturbance."

" Lennier... please stay... don't leave me... I can't be alone in the dark."

Lennier sensed the ranger’s terror and gently squeezed his hand. His eyes were able to make out the shape of his friend. " I will stay. Please remain calm, Marcus. Nothing can harm you." Lennier sought and found the emergency button to alert Stephen Franklin. He considered his friend’s mental state and concluded he had to assure him again everything would be okay. " It is all right, Marcus. Susan is just outside the room and I am here with you." Marcus still shook uncontrolled and Lennier heard him whimper. He wished Stephen were here. He took Marcus' hand and closed both his hands around the ranger’s. He thanked Valen when Stephen Franklin and Susan stormed into the room.

" What...?"

" It is the dark, doctor, it frightens him."

" I will take care of it." Stephen screamed at a nurse and seconds later the lights flashed back on. Susan was at his side in one instant and hugged him. Lennier released Marcus' hand. He was a bit surprised to see the Commander act so openly towards Marcus Cole. He moved back to give Susan some room. Stephen returned and his look was concerned when he checked Marcus' pulse and vitals. The readings seemed to be dropping back to a more normal level.

" What the hell happened?" Susan asked the nurse who was stepping inside to see if the lights were working again.

" A technical error. I will make sure it won't occur again."

Lennier left quietly and joined Captain Sheridan who had been watching from the doorway.

“ Drink this, Marcus." Stephen handed him a glass water and a tablet. Marcus' eyes were still filled with horror and shame.

He did as he was ordered, the glass slipped from his fingers. Susan caught it before it hit the floor. The medication worked fast and Marcus felt his crazed heart beat slow down to a normal beat. Susan looked at him, a question in her eyes.

" I freaked... I was scared of the dark…"

" It will go away in time, Marcus. Don't expect to be your old charming, irritating self in just a few days. To recover from something like this takes months." Stephen allowed Susan to stay with his patient, knowing she would make him relax. Lennier, John and Stephen left. Susan watched Marcus go back to sleep. As his eyes closed she stopped fighting her tears and wept in silence. She wanted her Marcus back. She had wasted so much time fighting her feelings for him. Then she lay down next to him, carefully avoiding his wounds. In his sleep he rested his head on her shoulder and Susan wiped away her tears. She wanted to protect him, hold him, and love him forever.

 

Michael Garibaldi ignored the questioning looks he received and headed straight for Medlab. He knew Sheridan would discover quickly he had returned, but before he turned himself in, he had to talk to Marcus. He sneaked into Medlab, misleading Stephen and went to Isolab 1. He peeked inside. Marcus was alone and sleeping. He looked like he had been to hell and back, well he probably had. As quietly as possible he opened the door and went inside. " Marcus, wake up."

Michael stood beside the bed and saw how Marcus slowly opened his eyes. There was a hint of genuine surprise when he recognized Garibaldi. He had tossed in his sleep after Susan had left to take a shower and pick up some clean clothes in her quarters. He had ended up lying on his back and now he managed to push himself up in a sitting position. Garibaldi saw the pain it caused the ranger and rearranged the cushions, so they would support him sitting up. Garibaldi noticed how weak the ranger was.

"Mister Garibaldi, I suppose I have to thank you for helping Susan to get me out of there." Marcus truly hadn't expected the chief to show up. They weren't exactly friends, therefore it puzzled him why Garibaldi had helped him escape.

" Marcus, I need to talk to you about something important." Garibaldi sat down and pushed the chair closer to the bed. Marcus felt slightly intimidated by his closeness. His emotions got the better of him, but Garibaldi saw his clouded look and moved back a bit. Marcus sighed, relieved.

" About what, mister Garibaldi?"

Garibaldi shook his head." I think it is time to call me Michael, Marcus."

Marcus couldn't remember Garibaldi had offered that to him before. " All right... Michael." Marcus was getting more confused with every passing minute. Michael looked like he was in agony. Marcus had not seen him like this before.

" I went back to the 'death-camp' this morning." He had dropped a bombshell. At the mention of the prison Marcus looked frantically to see if Wallace was in the room. Michael regretted scaring the ranger like that. Michael wasn't good in this psychological stuff. He only knew the direct approach.

" Why?" Marcus' hands were searching for the emergency button, but had trouble finding it.

" I know what he did to you, Marcus. I know he raped you."

Marcus felt panic surge through his body, where was this leading? He tried to get up but fell back into the cushions, his body still too weak. Michael realized he was doing this all wrong. " I am not here to hurt you, Marcus. I only want to talk to you."

Marcus forced himself to calm down and to listen to the Chief. But shame took possession of his soul. How many people knew he had been sexually abused?

" I know because ....he did it to me too."

Marcus' eyes flared open and he looked Michael in the eye. He saw his own pain and shame reflected there. He was too shocked to ask the obvious questions, how, why...

Michael smiled reassuringly." It was 3 months before I would complete my training. I was assigned as a trainee to the State Prison. Wallace was chosen to be my mentor. To cut a long story short, one night he was questioning a prisoner. He was so brutal. When he didn't get his answers he would resort to sexual intimidation. It is very effective and much used in jail. You can break the prisoner that way... He gave me the order to rape the female prisoner he was questioning. I refused. He told me I had a lot to learn and punished me in stead. I got out of there the next day. I even pressed charges but he didn't get convicted. When I learned where you were taken I wanted to get to you before Wallace would, but I was too late. "

Marcus was trembling all over his body. He had never thought it could have happened to another man.

" Marcus, they use it as a way to intimidate the prisoners. It’s a power thing, they want to be in control, they want the information. I know the pain and shame you are experiencing now, but believe me it will go away in time. I won't lie to you, it will stay with you all your life, but you will learn to handle it. " Michael was tired. Marcus knew he had not been told everything but Michael wasn't going to tell him Wallace was dead. Yes, he had driven the prison guard mad. A little poison and Wallace had hung himself as Michael had ordered him to do. Michael didn't feel any regrets. Wallace had to be stopped.

Marcus was lost for words. He didn't know what he was feeling. Michael knew Marcus needed time. So he rose and grinning at Marcus he turned and left Medlab.

" What are you doing here?" Stephen, on his way to see Marcus bumped into the Chief. A curious expression on his face.

" Just wanted to see if Marcus is doing fine. You have to help him recover, Stephen."

" I will." Garibaldi left Medlab. Stephen shrugged and walked into Isolab 1. He was surprised to see Marcus sitting up, lost in thought. " How is my favorite patient today?" Stephen tried to crack a little joke, but Marcus looked back at him seriously.

" I feel better."

" Great, that proves I’m the best doctor in the galaxy." This time he was rewarded with an insecure smile, which made Marcus shiver with pain as he was reminded of his bruised jaw. " You will be relieved to hear that I am here to free you of some of the machines you are hooked up to. The nurse will bring you something to eat and eat you will."

" Understood, Stephen."

Stephen didn't expect this relaxed side to Marcus. But he had been in Medlab for over a week now and at last Marcus was showing some progress. But the ranger wouldn't be leaving Medlab for at least one week more. " I have to look after your arm."

Marcus clenched his teeth to fight the pain.

He dressed the wound with fresh bandages after his examination. " It’s healing nicely, when you try to walk for the first time, use a sling to support the arm." Stephen put the sling next to his bed. Marcus seemed much more at ease now than he was before. He had stopped trembling and he was observing everything he did. Stephen allowed himself to hope Marcus would make a full recovery.

" Is there something you need or want me to do, Marcus?" Stephen wheeled the machines into the corner of the room. There was only 1 IV left in his hand.

" Tell me, how many people know I was....." Marcus lacked the courage to say it.

" I shall be honest with you, Marcus. I know, Delenn, the Captain, Garibaldi. That is it."

" And Lennier." Marcus added the name to the list. ** Lorien** But somehow he didn't mind that the First One knew.

 

Susan nervously looked at the time. She had only intended to leave Marcus alone for an hour but already two hours had gone by. She hurried back to Medlab. Stephen greeted her and stopped her for a moment.

" He is getting there, Susan. He feels a lot better. I think you are a big part of his healing process."

Susan felt embarrassed. She had not yet told Stephen they loved each other. Perhaps the time was right now. " Stephen, he told me he loved me and I confessed I love him too and yes that's the truth. I am not faking it." Susan knew how unreal this had to sound to Stephen. The doctor threw his arms in the air and protested.  
" Why am I always the last to hear something like this?" He walked to his office and slammed the door.

Susan laughed and resumed her walk to see Marcus. She found Marcus sitting up in his bed, drinking something that smelled like chicken soup. The Medlab-food was still untouched. She could see a definite change in his eyes. " What are you eating?"

Marcus grinned and she felt a sting in her heart when he looked at her like that. " Lennier made some soup. It is way better than Stephen’s diet plan."

Susan had to sit down. Only two hours ago she had been crying her eyes out because of the state he was in and now... There was some mischief lurking in his eyes. " I know Stephen’s food plan, you don't have to explain."

Marcus was left with an empty bowl and saw no place to dispose of it. Susan took it from him and placed it on the table. She had to remember thanking Lennier for his soup. " You look better. "

Marcus briefly considered mentioning Michael’s visit but decided not to. He stared at Susan. She was absolutely beautiful. Her hair was still damp from the shower and she had changed into a brown skirt and matching shirt. He could smell the fragrance of roses from his bed. He longed to hold her. " Susan?"  
" Yes, Marcus?"

" Would you give me another kiss?" Marcus stumbled over the words. His shyness wasn’t gone. He thought his request rather impertinent. Susan smiled and leaned over to kiss him. Marcus was astounded to feel her tongue breaking through his lips, exploring his mouth. He moaned when she touched an aching spot.

She stopped and stared at him. " Why didn't you tell me earlier you loved me? "

" The time never seemed right."

Susan marveled about the man in her arms. He had suffered tremendously and yet he thought about her feelings first.

" We wasted so much time, darling. I promise you not to waste anymore. When you get out of Medlab you can move in with me. I don't want to leave you ever again." A tear ran down Marcus' cheek and she caught it with her fingers.

" Stephen won't let me leave for at least one more week, so in the meantime you have to visit me here."

" Another week?" Susan had almost forgotten about the seriousness of his injuries. She realized that though Marcus seemed to be on his way to recovery, he had a long a painful time ahead of him.

Marcus hated Stephen checking on him. Stephen came by almost every hour and somehow there was always something Stephen needed to examine. He had been in Medlab for 8 days now and he still hurt. His body was starting to heal from the beating but his mind was a different matter. He still had bad nightmares, featuring Wallace. Stephen wanted to offer him some counseling but there was no specialist on the station and Marcus hated the idea of having to tell everything to Stephen, he would rather ask for Michael’s help.

" Marcus, Earth calling Marcus?"

Susan snapped him from his stupor and he looked at her. She had been his salvation these last days. She spent as much time as possible with him and slowly he started to get used to her. " Sorry, dear. " Marcus felt tired. Stephen had been probing his legs earlier on. The swelling was lessening but he had a strange feeling in them.

" Delenn handed me this book. She said a ranger called Magnussen wanted you to have it. She mentioned you once tried to bug him into giving it to you?"

Susan laid the book next to his hands. Marcus simply was too sleepy to pick it up. He suspected Stephen had slipped something into his tea. He had kept his promise and ate and drank everything they brought him, though the food was awful. But Stephen insisted he needed the minerals and vitamins. So Marcus decided not to fight an already lost battle. " I am too tired, I can't read. I have trouble focusing at something for a longer period. " It was a half-truth. Sinclair would have berated him. He could read but Wallace’s face and voice appeared regularly, scaring him.

" Want me to read some to you?"

Marcus nodded. He felt a sting of pain at the back of his head. Wallace had hit him there too, not once, but repeatedly. Her offer amazed him. She normally wasn't a reader.

" Lets see." Susan cleared her voice and while keeping one eye on him she started to read. It felt unreal to have a genuine book in her hands. " It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness..."

Marcus looked up at her when she paused. She stared at the page. " You stopped. "

" I know, silly, you really want to hear this? Sounds boring to me."

Marcus managed a smile. This was typical Susan. She wanted action. " I truly want to hear it."

Susan sighed and mentally kicked herself for not hiding the book. Now she had to continue. She watched him drift off to sleep and tried to decide if she should get rid off the book and bring in some vids instead. But he really seemed to be fond of this Dickens novel. She put the book aside and pulled the blankets up to his chin. She returned to her paperwork and was relieved when John came in for a visit, bringing her some hot caff. Only Marcus knew where to get that marvelous coffee he sometimes spoiled her with.

John assured himself of the fact that Marcus was asleep and sat down on the table next to Susan. He told her about Michael’s return. Michael had come to his office and told him what was going on. John decided to let him off the hook and Michael was only put on suspension for a month, to think the situation over and make some decisions. Michael had offered to help Marcus, should he need to talk.

Susan shook her head, she had known Michael for quite some time now, but she had never known what was going on in his mind.

" Is there something I can do to help?"

" Not much, John. He needs time and TLC. But perhaps you could move his belongings to my quarters. I don't want him to be alone when Stephen lets him go."

" Consider it done, Susan." John left quietly, he didn't want to disturb Marcus. Susan walked him to the exit, seeing Stephen coming towards her.

" I wanted to ask you how Marcus is doing. He threw a plate at me last time I wanted to check on him. It is a good thing the plate was made of plastic." Stephen smiled. He had been waiting to see some emotion in Marcus and the ranger really started to get pissed off at his 'care' or harassment as the ranger had put it.

"He is asleep. I don't see any changes. When he wakes he searches the room with his eyes and seems to be reassured when someone is near him. He’s scared as hell; it’s uncanny," Susan said.

" He is still keeping all his hurt inside. While you were in your quarters sleeping I sat with him. He woke from a nightmare. He was trashing in his bed and I tried to calm him down but I was afraid to touch him, damn it. I had to give him a mild tranquillizer in the end. He swallowed it without any protest, that is not his style,” Stephen said concerned.

Susan understood his concern, she felt the same. " Perhaps he needs to be out of Medlab. I could take him with me and you could drop by when ever you want."

" I don't think that is a good idea, not yet. He still has an IV and I need to monitor him. His legs are worrying me and his ribs are brittle. By the way, I think you will find it difficult to get him out of Medlab."  
" Why?"  
" He woke up here, he knows the place, and this feels safe. It will be hard on him to leave Medlab. He will have to face people when he steps out there."

Susan considered what she had been told, in a weird way it made sense. Suddenly an alarm beeped.

" It’s Marcus’ room," Stephen told her.

Susan followed him but they were both stopped in their tracks when they entered Marcus' room.

 

Marcus felt Wallace’s hands on him, heard his evil laughter, and smelled the foul stench. It felt so real; like he was back in the cell at his mercy. A tiny voice tried to tell him it was only a nightmare but another segment of his mind screamed in anguish. He woke. But some part of his mind wasn't waking up. He was locked up inside his own thoughts. He reacted the only way he could. He banged his head against the wall, the pain driving the horrid memories away. Normally he would cry at this point but not this time.

** The bastard had no right to do that!!!!**

Marcus started to beat on the pillow, but sucked in his breath when he felt the terrible pain coming from his fractured arm. So he pounded with his other arm and he released some of that hot angry shame he had buried so deep inside.

" The bastard....the bastard.."

Susan heard the words and her heart seemed to be torn apart. She wanted to run to him and calm him down but Stephen stopped her.

" Let him be angry, it is better than being in this stupor he still sometimes slips into." Stephen wasn't sure he made the right decision, he had to trust his instincts. Susan wanted to help him so badly it hurt. Marcus held his fractured arm close to his chest, as if protecting it. His face was twisted and raw anger and hate were clawing their way through his soul and demanded to be acknowledged. 

Marcus’ anger began to ebb away and the ranger realized what he was doing. He had difficulty breathing and his body wasn't able to cope with this show of rage. He fell onto the bed, his head aching immediately. But he couldn't let go of his anger yet." The bastard!"

Stephen nodded his approval and Susan marched to his bed, but was alert enough to keep her distance. She knew how he could react if she startled him. " Marcus? " Susan searched his face for some recognition. Realization dawned on his face.

" Susan? Please go away. I... just leave me alone." His voice sounded savage and his tone became high pitched when he continued. " Leave me, get out of the room... there is nothing here for you. Get out!"

He was shouting at her with tears in his eyes. Susan shivered and sent a little prayer to who ever was listening that she made the right decision. She stepped up to him and looked him in the eye. He didn't seem to be able to break the connection. " No way, Marcus. I am staying. You have to do better to chase me away from you. I repeat, I’m =not= leaving you."

Marcus' eyes cracked and he reached out for her. Susan reacted at once and hugged him tenderly.

" He had no right to do that to me... to no one... he ruined my life... it hurts..."

His voice grew weaker and he closed his eyes, apparently resting. She shook her head.

Stephen gave him an injection to calm him down to a normal level." He will be sleeping. You know something? He frightened me."  
" I know, I was afraid too. It is so unfair, he waits his entire life for the right person to come along and then..." Susan saw his puzzled look. " When we were searching for First Ones he told me he was saving himself for this special person. I was baffled. He was a virgin and I knew, somewhere in my mind, that he was trying to tell me I was that special person. But I... refused to see it. The sentimental fool saves himself and then he is raped by this... monster!"

Stephen never imagined the ranger could have been a virgin. This made the whole situation even worse.

" So where do we go from here?" Susan sat down. Medlab was swiftly becoming home to her. Where Marcus was, she wanted to be too.

" We will wait for him to wake up and I will free him of that last IV. Maybe I was wrong and he needs to get out of Medlab. When he can walk out the door, you can take him home, but I will be checking on him every morning and evening."

 

Marcus opened his eyes and discovered he had an incredible headache. No wonder, he had banged his head to the wall. He felt calm, like some pressure had been released. Susan was sitting opposite from him in a chair. His throat was awfully dry and he saw a glass of water on the table next to Susan. He watched her sleep. Not wanting to wake her he was resolved to get the water himself. He pushed himself into a sitting position and grabbed the sling. His arm throbbed and the sling provided some support. He already felt exhausted. The next thing he tried was moving his legs. The pain almost made him cry out, but he used the Minbari techniques on blocking pain to swing them to the floor. With his other hand he clutched his chest, his ribs were protesting to this movement. He ignored the pain and stood for a tiny instant before he lost his equilibrium. Everything around him seemed to be swirling at a high speed. He reached for the wall and steadied himself. ** Get back into bed, you daft fool. You are in no shape to take a fall...**

** Shut up**

Marcus tried to silence the voices in his mind but it seemed he was in for an argument with his alter ego.

** You need to be in bed, resting. Think how scared Susan will be when you hurt yourself.**

** I have to drink, my throat is killing me, so put a sock in it**

Marcus was determined to stop talking to himself. He didn't want to think he was losing it. He was uncertain on his legs and had to concentrate not to stumble and fall. He reached the table but was now faced with another dilemma. Taking hold of the glass of water would mean having to let go of the wall. He was pondering the idea of making a dive for it when Susan woke from a muffled sound. Marcus knew he was in big trouble now. Her eyes grew big and concerned when she saw him propped up against the wall.

" What do you think you are doing? Get back in bed, NOW!" Susan’s heart missed a beat when she discovered he had abandoned his bed.

" I was so thirsty and the water was over here…"

Marcus' protest was lost as she put an arm around him and walked him back to the bed. " You should have woken me and ask for the stupid water. Don't do that again, Marcus. I hate being scared..."

Marcus attempted a grin but now he lay down, he felt how tiring this trip had been on his body. Susan walked back to the table, grabbed the glass and gave it to him. He emptied the glass in one try and handed it back to Susan. Her eyes were shooting fire. He could tell she was trying to control her anger, he hoped she succeeded. He hated to be the reason of her rage.

Susan had to remind herself that Marcus was sick and not acting rationally. She couldn't scream at him. She tried a different approach. " Well, Cole, it seems you are ready to be released from Medlab. Stephen said I could take you home when you started to walk."

Marcus was perplexed. He didn't know what stunned him more, Susan’s apparent understanding of his condition or the word

'home'. Since he’d left Arisia 3 he had never had a home, only quarters. " Home?"

Susan was moved by the way he looked while saying the word. She knew his thoughts that moment. " Yes, my love, lets go home."

 

Marcus was getting cold feet. Stephen had signed his release papers but the doctor insisted he had to check up on him every eight hours. Marcus considered it a true nuisance, once a day would be enough, but Stephen made it quite clear that it wasn't up for debate. Marcus watched Susan pack his stuff. Suddenly he didn't want to leave this sanctuary. He wanted to crawl away into a very dark corner and stay there for the rest of his life. But he also knew Susan wouldn't go for that. He had to find a reason to stay in Medlab. He could hide in this room. " Susan, I don't feel that great, maybe I should stay a bit longer."

Susan continued to collect his belongings. She didn't look at him. " I think this is the first time you want to stay in Medlab out of your own free will. Usually you are in a hurry to get out of Stephen’s reach."

Marcus knew she was right. Why couldn't she just go away? ** No, I don't want her to leave me.**

Susan turned and looked at him. He was still wearing his Medlab clothes. She had found some black trousers and a brown turtleneck in the parcel Lennier had brought in. There was the problem of getting him into those clothes. She had seen him cringe when she touched him when he didn't expect it. He trembled when Stephen came in to redress his wounds with fresh bandages.

" So, how are we going to get you dressed?"

Marcus looked at the clothes, the same question passed through his mind moments earlier. " I can do that myself." He didn't want her to undress him. He suspected it would take him some time to slip into the clothing.

" Want me to leave ?" Susan put the clothes on the bed. Marcus seemed to be fighting an inner battle but reached a decision in the end.

" Yes, please."  
Susan told herself not to be angry with him for his rejection. She wished he would let her help him more, but she had to respect his feelings. " Call me when you are ready?"  
" I promise."

Susan left the room, a bit worried he would strain himself too much by moving about.

Marcus pushed the blankets down to his feet and sat up. This time it seemed to be less painful. He took his arm out of the sling and managed to get rid off the Medlab shirt. He couldn't help looking at his wounds. His chest was bandaged and he was bruised all over. He waited to catch his breath and wrestled with the turtleneck, he was glad when it gave in and slipped over his head. The pants proved to be more troublesome. He could only use one hand and it felt like ages before he was freed of the last piece of Medlab clothes. He slowly reached for the pants and had to bow down to pull them over his legs, but he was successful. He started to feel dizzy and stared at his legs. His shins were black and blue and he could actually trace the spots were the iron bar had crushed some bone. He felt sick and couldn't look at himself anymore. He felt revolted by his body. It was unclean, tainted, and worthless. Again the memories of Wallace forcing himself on him returned in full force. His fingernails clawed a way through the pillow. He was alarmed when he heard a knock on the door.

" Marcus, are you okay? "

He could hear the concern in her voice as he torn himself away from the terror he was subjected to. He steadied his breathing before answering Susan. " I am ready... you can come inside." Marcus quickly wiped away the tears of shame that flowed from his eyes. He tried to straighten out his clothes. He wished he had his ranger cloak, he felt... vulnerable without it. He realized he was left with nothing, his ranger pin and pike gone. They had taken the items from him when he was thrown into the cell.

Susan could tell he had been crying. His eyes still watered. He looked so terribly fragile; it made her want to protect him even more. " Shall we go? Stephen wants to accompany us to... our quarters." Susan watched him get up from the bed. He staggered on his legs and she knew he wouldn't make it to the door without help.

Stephen had advised him to use a wheel chair but Marcus flatly refused. He stood, unresolved, realizing he needed assistance but help meant someone would be touching him, holding him. Susan waited for him to say something. " Susan... I need your support. "

Susan rushed over to him, ever so slowly putting an arm around his waist, making sure not to touch his broken ribs." You are okay with this?"

He writhed with an irrational pain at her touch. It was so stupid. He knew she would never hurt him, but the inexplicable pain nagged at his soul. He forced himself to answer her. " I will manage. "

Susan saw the strain on his face. He looked like he would shake her arm off any minute.** Don't give up, Marcus.**

Together they made their way to the corridor where Stephen was waiting for them. Marcus avoided his look and all the other eyes he was afraid of. He stared at the floor, wishing he was back in Isolab 1.

" So, my favorite patient is leaving me. I will walk you to your quarters." Stephen wasn't thrilled about Marcus leaving Medlab but at this point it seemed to be the best solution. He decided to walk next to Susan, creating some space between him and the ranger. He needed to be certain his friends made it to their quarters without problems. He was thankful the corridors and the elevator were empty.

Marcus felt the same way. Making his way through the bowels of Babylon 5, he kept his eyes looking at the floor, hoping they wouldn't run into someone he knew. It seemed to last forever to get to Susan’s quarters. He supported himself by holding on to the wall as Susan punched in her access code. Marcus was grateful the lights were on and allowed Susan to take him to the bed. His walk had made him tired and he went to sleep the moment his body touched the soft bed. Susan covered him with some blankets and accompanied Stephen to the couch. He explained to her how she needed to treat Marcus' wounds and left some medication behind. He wished her strength before leaving. Susan took the vials to the bedroom and raised the room temperature so Marcus wouldn't be cold. Then she adjusted the couch that it faced the bedroom. She was discussing with herself whether she should sleep in bed or use the couch. She resolved it would be best to let him make that call. She would take the couch for now. She made some hot caff and settled down on the sofa. She checked her messages. Only one was of importance. It was an audio message from Michael Garibaldi, offering her his help would she want it. She tried to establish a link to his quarters but she got no response She left a message that she thankfully accepted his offer, inviting him to come over when he felt like the time was right. She looked in on Marcus who still slept peacefully. Having nothing else to do she picked up the book and started to read where she had left off. But she didn't have the patience for reading, her eyes drifting to Marcus' sleeping form in her bed. She wondered how her feelings towards him had changed these last days. It had taken her so long to realize they were meant to be together and perhaps she had passed her chance up for happiness. She knew she had to control her anger and own hurt. She had to be strong for him. She wasn't going to let him down again.

 

Stephen returned to check on Marcus pleased that the ranger had been sleeping soundly." You need to wake him for his medication. I will see the two of you tomorrow morning."

Susan heard the door close and sought through the vials to find the right pills. Armed with the pills and a glass of water she walked to the bedroom. She was scared of waking him, afraid for his reaction." Marcus?" She whispered, softly. " Marcus? You have to wake up now." She called to him a little louder. He stirred, his eyes flashed open.

" It is me. You have to take these pills."

Marcus sat up and took the pills and glass from her hand without actually touching her. Susan noticed it though. He swallowed his medication and stared at the ceiling. He looked depressed.

" Want me to read you some more?" Susan reacted to his dark mood by repelling against it.

" No. "

" Then I will keep you company." Susan pulled up a chair from the living room and sat down, holding her distance. " Michael left a message. Would you mind if I invited him to dinner?"

Marcus wasn't sure how he felt about that. But Michael was the only one who had gone through the same emotions he was going through. A small part of his mind told him to reach out, another segment told him to hide. The first part won somehow. " No, I don't mind, but no one else..." Desperation made him add that last bit.

Susan wanted to say that she understood but realized she didn't. She had not been abused, she could only guess at his feelings. He looked like he wanted to hide under the bed. The pain was still fresh but she decided she had to try to make him talk to her.

" John told me Michael is also one of Wallace's victims." He seemed to shrink when she mentioned his name. " Marcus, I can’t say I know what you are going through but I want to understand. I can only do that if you begin to trust me. Stephen told me I didn't know what I was getting into when I stuck to my choice to be with you. But I do know that it will take a very long time for you to recover. Don't shut me out, Marc."

Marcus' stare was killed by her words and he looked away from the ceiling. He glanced at her eyes. He wanted to tell her, no, he didn't want to tell her. The truth was he didn't know anymore. He wished she had never come to Medlab in the first place. He wished the old Commander Ivanova returned to throw him out her quarters... Oh, Valen, he felt so dirty.

" Can you at least tell me what you are feeling?"

Marcus heard her question. He knew she wanted to help him but how could he tell her, actually say the words how he felt? But he realized he had to trust her if he didn't want… him... to win. He didn't even want to think his name. He wasn't sure he could do this.

" I… don't know really. "

" You can do better than that"

" Susan, I... am so... ashamed...how can I tell you..." His voice died halfway through the sentence. He pressed his arm to his chest, searching for... for what?

" It hurts when I touch you, doesn't it?" Susan had seen his panic when she touched his skin.

Marcus felt like he had shown her too much. It had never been his intention for her to notice that. He bowed his head as the answer struggled free from his mind. " Yes. "

" Marcus, I need some directions and only you can tell me what you need from me. Do you want me to touch you or not? I promise I will not be angry whatever your answer might be." She added that with a hopeful smile on her lips. That made it easier for Marcus to answer her truthfully.

" Yes, I want you to touch me, hold me, but every time you do I keep thinking of what happened. It’s like I can't distinguish the past from the present. It’s like he’s grabbing me and I can't run. I don't want to hurt you, but I’m so scared when I’m touched. Like when Lennier came to visit me in Medlab... I almost lost my mind when he held my hand, he only wanted to comfort me."  
Susan watched him, for some one who was afraid to tell his feelings he was grasping this opportunity desperately. She hoped it was a good sign he started to talk to her. She knew it was only a beginning. " We will get there in time, Marcus. We have the rest of our lives to work it out. "

Marcus felt relieved and for a moment, the old annoying Marcus made his way back. " You really think you can put up with me for that long?" Marcus didn't expect a reply to his question.

" As long as I am alive."

Marcus felt like a lump was growing in his throat as he discovered the sincerity of her words.

 

The door chime chirped and Susan immediately looked at Marcus. He was still sleeping. The pills Stephen had given him provided him with a good night's sleep. " Enter."

Michael Garibaldi was standing in the corridor. He seemed to be waiting for her to invite him in.

" Michael, it is good to see you, please come in."

Michael stepped into her quarters. His eye caught sight of Marcus, sleeping in the bedroom. " Can we talk? Your message said I could come over when I felt the time was right."

" Please sit down, Michael. Want anything to drink?" Susan noticed the serious look on his face. Something about him was different. ** Off course something has changed, he told us what happened to him!**

" Some caff would be nice."

" I just made some." Susan handed him the mug and he leaned back, eyeing her. " So, how are you dealing with this?"

Susan took a sip of the caff and placed the mug on the table, weighing her answer carefully. " I don't know what to do. When he wakes from a nightmare I want to hold him but he trembles when I touch him, God, this is so damned unreal!"

Michael nodded. " I know it is hard. But you can't give up on him."

" I won't. Only now I can admit to myself that I love him more than life itself." She told him of their conversation on the White Star. Michael seemed to pale when he heard Marcus had been a virgin." What must I do, Michael. How did you master it?" The question left her lips before she realized she had said it.

Michael sensed her discomfort, but he knew he could help Susan and Marcus to get through this. He took a deep breath." Susan, this has changed him forever. I know he loves you. Everyone on the station knew. The sexual abuse has shaped him into the person he is now. He will never forget, trust me I know. I will never forget Wallace. Marcus needs time. He needs to know you will be there for him, no matter what. He will try to hide, shy away from people, he doesn't want pity. At this point it is hard for him to believe he still has friends anyway. "

Susan was listening to every word he said. She recognized some of the behavior Michael mentioned.

" Something was taken from him, with force, he didn't have a say in it. He feels dirty, unworthy of any attention. He is drawn to you, you love him, and you care for him. But he doesn't know how to act on his feelings. When Wallace forced himself on me, it hurt like hell and I wasn't a virgin. I still remember how he threw me to the floor and forced me on my hands and knees. It is enough to make you insane. And I did some experimenting in my time. I had been with a man before. You know Earthforce standards, everything goes. Marcus was a virgin? It must have been horrid to him. He never knew what was happening to him, until he realized. It must have been much more brutal for him, being beating into submission on forehand. His first experience being this violent and gruesome..... " Michael paused, gathering his thoughts. He searched for the right words to make Susan understand. It was difficult.

" Every time you touch him he will be reminded of the pain of being raped. You have to be careful. Sometimes it will look like he is getting back to being his former self, then something happens to drag the buried memories back up again. It could be a touch, a smell, a sound. I cringed every time I heard a man laughing. It differs, you see. "

" I understand what you are saying, Michael and thank you for sharing it with me. It must have been difficult for you to go back to the State Prison."

" It was, but my fear of Marcus ending up at the hands of Wallace did it. I am not scared of the monster anymore. I faced that a long time ago, but seeing him dragging Marcus outside, made me step over the edge. I went back and killed the bastard. Sheridan is looking into the matter. I am suspended for now."

" I know, he told me."

Michael drank the rest of the caff and peeked over at Marcus." How is he doing?"

" I’m afraid for him. He seems so confused. It is like you told me. He wants to hold me but then he starts to pull away. I have to keep reminding myself he isn’t well, but you know my temper."

" You can talk to me if you need to. Same goes for Marcus."

Susan wondered about something." Does it still hurt when someone touches you?”

" Not anymore, but I will always remember how I felt after the abuse. It is something that stays with you your entire life."

" May I give you a hug? I need some one to hold me for a moment. This tragedy made me emotional I guess. I am not normally like this."

Michael opened his arms and hugged her tenderly. Susan felt hope growing inside her heart. Michael had overcome his pain. They had to make sure Marcus would too.

 

Susan was preparing dinner. Michael had agreed to join them. Marcus had woken up when Stephen came by to treat his back and cut away the bandages to replace them. Marcus had a pained look in his eyes while Stephen tended his wounds but no complaint left his lips. Susan couldn't help wondering what he was thinking about.

Stephen helped him to the couch. Marcus wanted to stay in bed, but Stephen’s opinion was that he needed to move about a bit. His legs still hurt awfully and he sighed when he sank down on the couch, reminding himself Stephen was doing this to help him. He was his doctor and friend.

Stephen left Marcus to settle down and headed to Susan who was trying not to ruin the pasta. Michael had been so kind to have the supplies delivered to her so she wouldn't have to leave Marcus alone. Stephen never knew Susan could cook this good." Smells absolutely delicious. Looks like the first kind of real food I have seen in weeks."

Susan saw through the act and looked at Marcus. It was evident the good doctor was fishing for an invitation to dinner. Marcus knew that too. He couldn't say no. Stephen had done a lot for him lately even though Marcus didn't understand why Stephen was smothering him with his good intended care. He nodded his approval.

" Okay, Stephen, make yourself comfortable. Seems like you have been invited to dinner. There should be enough for four. I am not that hungry."

Stephen gave her a warm smile. He could use a good meal. " Thanks, my empty stomach appreciates the kind gesture." Stephen took a seat opposite from Marcus, only now realizing she had said four. " Who else are you expecting?"  
Marcus knew Stephen was asking him a question, but he had been staring at the wall. He frantically searched his mind for the question. He was relieved when he remembered." Michael is coming over for dinner." Marcus didn't really like the idea of having that much company for the evening. He wished he could return to his bed and shut the door on the rest of the world. He couldn't hide the shudder when the door chime sounded. It had taken him by surprise, he hated being this out of control. Susan answered the door and Marcus distinctly heard Delenn’s voice. ** Great another visitor, why can't they leave me alone?**

Delenn entered and Susan showed her to the couch, where Marcus was trying to get up to pay her his respect.

Delenn, instructed by Susan to keep some distance, was tempted to get hold of him as his frail body seemed to crumble from the attempt of bowing to her. " Please sit down, Marcus, no ceremony is needed between us here and now. Rest."

Marcus sat down again, feeling the pain in his legs. His fractured arm wasn't hurting because of the cast it was in. His ribs protested too. He monitored Delenn as she sat down on the other side of the couch. ** She is Entil'Zha, I don't have to be afraid of her. Bugger, why am I scared?**

" I took the liberty of bringing you two sets of uniforms and a ranger pin." Delenn put her little parcel down on the table.

Marcus saw she hid something in her hand and his old curiosity snapped back briefly. But he was still courteous enough to wait for her to take the initiative.

Delenn smiled at his look. He wasn't hiding his curiosity too well. She decided to give in and opened her hand to reveal a closed Minbari fighting pike.

Marcus marveled at its age, it definitely seemed old.

" I understand you need a new pike. Please do me the honor of accepting this one. He belonged to my grandfather. I kept it locked away for years. I have no use of it. It would mean a lot to me if you made good use of it."

Marcus was staring at her eyes. He knew a family heirloom was treasured amongst Minbari. He didn't comprehend why she had chosen him to give it to. Didn't she know he wasn't worthy of it? He dropped his stare to her hands, not knowing what to say. She extended her hand and offered it to him. Marcus had to accept, to refuse would hurt her feelings and would be downright insulting. He knew Delenn’s sensitive nature. He opened his hand and she laid the pike in the palm of his hand, her fingers touching his. He was surprised he didn't shy away from her. Perhaps he was getting better, slowly, very slowly." I’m honored. Thank you." It were the only words that were coming to his mind. His eyes moved to Susan, seeing the kindest smile on her face. He wanted to return a favor to Delenn. He felt some mischief roaring at the back of his mind. He knew how foreign human food was to Delenn and it would be fun to see her struggling to eat the pasta in a composed and dignified way. " May I invite you to dinner? Susan is cooking." He was eager to see her reaction. She seemed apprehensive. Marcus knew she had to accept. Minbari considered it rude and unmannered to decline an invitation to share a meal.

" Yes, you may." Delenn tried to spy at the contents of the pots and pans but the distance was too far.

" I better add some pasta and sauce."

Susan’s mock annoyance managed to bring a smile to his face. He could tell by looking at her eyes she wasn't really angry.

" Stephen, help me with the plates?"

Stephen got up and had no choice than to help her out. It gave Delenn the chance she was waiting for. " I am so glad you are back, Marcus. I was so worried. I do consider you one of my best friends."

Marcus realized the compliment she gave him. Somehow it warmed his chilly soul. He wanted to reply but the door chime rang again. He cringed, this evening was turning into a support group meeting. He hoped there would be no more surprises, just let it be Michael.

" Hey, I thought only I was invited for dinner!!" Michael gave Marcus a wink and walked over to Susan to check out the pasta." It has to be 'al dente'."

Susan took a wooden spoon and chased him and Stephen out of her kitchen. Michael pretended to be hurt by her attack and retaliated by throwing some cooked pasta at Susan.

" Oh, no way. No food fight. I’m hungry!" Stephen stepped between them and looked rather stupid when he ended up with some tomato sauce on his face. Susan intended it as payback on Michael.

" It is rather tasty, but excuse me for a moment." Stephen headed for the bathroom.

Marcus felt pleasant warmth growing inside his stomach. To hear his friends laugh and joke around brought back some of the good memories he had also try to bury. Susan served the food. Marcus allowed Michael to take him to the table and sit him down. Marcus telling himself Michael was only there to prevent him from taking a fall. Michael looked at him as if he knew what was going through his mind at that moment. Marcus realized Michael probably did know. He took a serving but only a small portion. He didn't feel hungry, his bowels not up for a big amount of food. He had been afraid there would be a deadly silence but Stephen was rattling, debating something with Michael. Marcus heard some Italian sounding words and assumed their were discussing the food. He didn't really listen but he enjoyed the sounds he heard. He hated silence. Marcus was fighting not to get tomato sauce on his face or into his beard. Eating Italian pasta with only one hand was tiresome. He glanced at Delenn, she was struggling even harder, unfamiliar with the human dish. He almost pitied her, almost. He was surprised, he was actually enjoying himself. He put the spoon and fork down. He hadn't eaten everything but he was too tired to go on. He could feel he was slipping into sleep, all the commotion exhausted him more as he wanted them to know. He fought his trepidation but had to give in at the end. His eyes closed and he didn't see the warm and caring smiles on his friends’ faces.

 

Susan said goodbye to Delenn who thanked her for dinner. Stephen decided he had to get back to Medlab. Only Michael stayed behind. Susan started to clean up and do the dishes. Michael carried Marcus who was still asleep to bed. He sat down in a chair and watched the ranger. Marcus had one thing going for him, he had missed during his own recovery. Someone who truly loved him and cared enough for him to make him face and fight it. He didn't doubt Marcus would recover from the attack, but he still needed to deal with it. Marcus was strong, a fighter and now he had Susan to fight for.

Marcus had the strange feeling someone was watching over him, not watching him, watching over him, and protecting him. He opened his eyes and discovered Michael sitting beside the bed. Marcus felt relaxed in an unreal way. It felt like the time Lorien had consoled him.

" Marcus, buddy."

Marcus knew Michael was here for a reason. " Michael..."

" I just wanted you to know you can talk to me when ever you feel like it. I know what you are going through."

Marcus pushed himself into a sitting position. He tried to organize his thoughts but they were one big mess. He forged through them, uttering only one question in the end. " I don't know what I am feeling anymore. I get these flashbacks. Why...did it happen to me… to you...?" Marcus felt a tear make its way over his cheek. He wiped it away with his sleeve and wondered why he had let the pain and shame come to the surface. He had been so busy burying it deep inside.

" Marcus, it wasn't our fault, we didn't do anything to be subjected to this. Wallace was a monster, created by Earthforce to feed its need for information. It wasn't your fault!"

" But it is so unfair."

" Who said life was fair?"

" Will you help me cope with this? I don't want to lose Susan."

Michael heard the fear in his voice. " I can assure you that Susan is making her stand with you. She loves you, the tough part will be when the two of you will want to express that love, physically." Michael saw his hurt expression.

" I don't think she will ever want to be with me in that way. I... my body..."

Michael knew what he was trying to say. He felt tainted, he couldn't imagine some one would want to make love to him after what happened to him. " Believe me, she will. There is a fire burning beneath her cool exterior. "

Marcus didn't believe Michael, even though a small part of his soul told him the chief was right.

" Take your time, Marcus. Susan loves you enough to wait till you are ready to deal with your shame and emotions." Michael rose to his feet, suddenly feeling tired. But he did notice the hope in Marcus' eyes starting to shine with comforting warmth.

 

Susan was glad when everyone had left. Even though she enjoyed their visit, she really felt tired. She prepared herself for another lonely night on the couch. Marcus had slept through last evening and night. Susan spread the blanket and wanted to check on Marcus one more time before she was off to get some sleep. She didn't expect to see Marcus standing propped up to the wall. He had been watching her. " You should be in bed, Marcus." Susan walked over to him. She stopped and waited for Marcus to say something. He seemed to be a bit embarrassed. She tracked his gaze and ended up looking at the couch.

" You... are going to sleep on the couch? It is your bed after all. I should take the couch." Marcus wished he wasn't that shy, he never managed to say the words he desperately needed to get out in the open.

" No way, you keep the bed. Although I wouldn't mind sharing it with you." She saw his startled eyes and gave him some time to settle down again." I am talking about getting some sleep, nothing else."

Marcus forced himself to relax. She was trying to be kind and understandable. Knowing her temper, he knew this had to be tough on her. He knew her closeness would make him feel secure, but that closeness frightened him at the same time. He needed to make up his mind. She was waiting for his answer. Marcus gathered his strength, answering her." I would like that."

Susan understood how difficult it had to be for him to allow her in. " Then I will move my stuff and change into my nightgown. I will try not to disturb you when I come to bed, should you already be asleep."

Marcus stared at her warm eyes, the Commander Ivanova he had known for these last two years had definitely changed. He slowly made his way back to the bed. He had no more power left to undress and laid down, still wearing his pants and turtleneck. The ranger uniform called to him from the chair, but he ignored it. He experimented with the settings of the light till he was comfortable with a certain amount of dimmed lights. He had started to doze off into sleep when he heard footsteps. Susan. He opened his eyes and saw a vision in deep blue. Her satin nightgown emphasized her curves. The straps, dangerously thin, allowed for shoulders and some chest to be exposed. Her hair was curling at the ends, after all this time being captured in a braid. Marcus was shocked to feel a sexual response in his body. He was ashamed. He had been lying on his back, though the wounds on his back hurt, it was easier for him to breathe, less pressure on his ribs. He closed his eyes and fought his body into submission till the desire decreased and vanished at last. He hoped Susan hadn't noticed.

Susan saw the sudden change in his emotions and knew instinctively what had happened. She smiled. She slipped under the covers. Even though they weren't touching she could feel his body heat. It made her hungry for more. For a moment she considered moving back to the couch. The sweet pain of being so close to him, without her touching him made her depressed.

Marcus felt the same way and both were too afraid to admit they needed the other. Susan pulled up the blanket and wished him goodnight. Marcus stared at the ceiling, listening to her breathing. It soothed his troubled mind. He waited till he was certain she was asleep and turned onto his left side, facing her. His ribs protested, but he wanted to look at her beautiful face. Her eyelashes intrigued him. His fractured arm started to feel heavy and he rested it on the mattress in between him and Susan. As he realized how tired he was, the pain started to build in his body. His legs, jaw, arm, back... he needed a painkiller. He remembered her restrained anger as he had tried to get to the table to drink the glass of water. He had to choose from two evils; getting out of bed himself and risk her wrath or wake her to get the pills he craved. He decided to do the sensible thing, though his inner voice told him not to wake her, he wasn't worth the trouble. He subdued the voice by thinking back to when she confessed her love for him. He was now facing the problem of waking her, how? " Susan? Susan? Please wake up." He whispered, realizing he didn't want to wake her at all. He didn't want to be a burden to her. Well, he could get up, but his legs were killing him, throbbing with pain. Marcus admitted to himself that he was in no state to stand or walk with such excruciating pain. He brought his other arm to her shoulder, pushing her softly, very softly.

Susan stirred, she had been asleep, peacefully for the first time in more than a week, knowing Marcus safe next to her. Somebody was shaking her shoulders carefully. Susan moaned and opened her eyes to gaze into Marcus'. He was the one trying to wake her. Susan felt very much awake all of a sudden. She distinguished the shy look in his eyes, his fear of trespassing. " Marcus, what is the matter?"

Marcus sighed, she was awake and not raving mad at him. It was hard for him to ask for her help. " My legs hurt dreadfully... I would get a painkiller myself, but I don't think I can cover the distance."

Susan remembered his attempt to walk on his own while she had been asleep." I am glad you woke me. I will get it for you." Susan threw the blanket aside and walked to the kitchen. As Marcus saw her bare legs and back, desire was fighting its way through. He concentrated to make it go away. Michael had tried to convince him Susan wanted him, body and soul, but he didn't believe it at all.

Susan returned, got into bed again and helped him sitting up. He took the pills, caressing her fingers for a moment, then retreating quickly before he would get uncomfortable with the situation.  
Susan took the empty glass from his hands and both settled down again. She was glad he decided to ask her to help him out. She had felt the shaky caress and wasn't sure what to do or say. " Marcus, would you feel terribly uncomfortable when I snuggled up to you?" Susan waited patiently for his reply. His answer could go both ways.

Marcus' thoughts were rushing down those two ways before he could get some degree of control on them. ** She wants to be close, she must be hurting too. Oh, Valen, I want to hold her, but... I am afraid.** " Please do." Marcus raised his fractured arm a little and she rolled over to him and rested her head on his shoulder, staying clear of his broken ribs. The weight of the cast wasn't that much and after some hesitation she raised her hand and she stroke back his hair. She knew he would be scared, they hadn't been this intimate yet. " Now sleep." Susan told him to rest some rest.

Marcus felt the pain in his legs and arm start to lessen. She was so close, he was actually touching her. No buried memories turned up this time and he relaxed, sensing her body warmth and love. He slipped into sleep. Susan, now fully awake, was satisfied watching his face, now and then caressing his bruised face. She loved him so much it scared her.

 

Somewhere in Down below two men were running for their lives. Their partner in crime had been arrested and there was no doubt in their minds that he had started to talk to security. They had been on Babylon 5 for some months now, their cover being perfect. Then they got the message a ranger had infiltrated Earthforce Headquarters and hacked through the computer system. The system had spat out one name, Paul Terrant, Earthforce sergeant. The moment they heard he had been arrested they ran. They reached the safety of Down Below, cunningly hiding amongst the lurkers. They were cut off from any communication with Earthforce and were on their own. When they had taken on the assignment to spy for President Clark, they knew Babylon 5 was hostile territory. They didn't mind dying in Clark’s service. The traitors on Babylon 5 had to be eliminated at whatever the cost was going to be. Only the timing had sucked, the three of them had just finished their plans to assassinate the staff members. But now there was the chance to get revenge. The ranger who had infiltrated Headquarters was back on Babylon 5 and he had shacked up with the Russian bitch Ivanova. The two spies knew they would get one opportunity only to get even. " The ranger and the Russian whore?"

" Yes, lets get our revenge. "

 

Susan wasn't able to get back to sleep, his male scent driving her almost over the edge.. Watching Marcus' face she discovered some new lines edged onto his face, from pain and suffering. She saw the pike, lying on the bedside cabinet. She had seen the baffled look in his eyes as Delenn offered it to him. He turned to lay on his other side and Susan used the moment to break from his embrace. She covered him with the blanket and walked over to the couch. She needed something to drink, to make her sleep, to make her forget his face, his eyes, his scent.

Normally she would have opted for vodka but there was still half a bottle of wine standing on the kitchen table. She filled her glass with some red wine and settled down on the couch. Laying that close to Marcus had been dangerous, it made her start feeling things she knew were hard to control. It was so unfair. He had spent his lifetime waiting for her. She should have been the first one he ought to make love to, now the illusion was shattered. She felt the effect of alcohol when she began to doze off, in her mind still seeing his amazing eyes.

 

" This is going much easier than I expected. They don't think we are a danger anymore. We will show them!" The two Earthforce spies were standing at Susan’s door, trying to break the access code.

" What would she use?"  
" Try the ranger’s name, Marcus Cole. Perhaps we are lucky and she is a romantic, you never know with those damned women."

" Got it!!!"

The door opened slowly, giving them access to Commander Ivanova’s quarters.

 

Susan woke because of a cold draft of air in the room. She restrained herself from opening her eyes. There was someone in the room and it wasn't Marcus. There was a strange smell. Then she heard two male voices. The trained warrior inside her woke. Intruders. She listened.

" What do you want to do, kill them in their sleep?"  
" The bitch doesn't look bad, perhaps we can have some fun. But then we have to kill the traitor first."

" Please let me do the honor....I want to strangle him, slowly."

Susan heard the venom in his voice. The guy wouldn't back down. She tried to remember where she had hid her PPG. It was actually close. She realized she had to stop the intruder from going to the bedroom and changing his threat into reality. She had to distract them. Marcus couldn’t get involved in this. He was too weak, too fragile. Susan decided to act and make the first move. Opening her eyes she discovered two men, looking like lurkers in the living room. She dived, aiming at their legs. She managed to take one down. But there was still the second spy. The attacker pulled a PPG, fired a shot at her. Susan found cover behind the couch. The man she had pulled down was trying to get up but he had hit his head during his fall.

Marcus stirred, something disturbed his sleep. He noticed the empty space next to him. He missed Susan’s warmth and wondered what had happened that she had left her bed. There was that irritating feeling again. It told him something was wrong. Could Susan be in danger?

He felt fear showing it's ugly head once more and had to use every Minbari technique he knew to fight it back down into submission. Was Wallace on the station? A scream drove the silence apart. It WAS Susan. He had to get out of bed and help her. The pike came to mind and it felt good when it slipped into his hand. He realized he wouldn't be much of a challenge for anyone in the state he was in. So he kept it collapsed. Some of his enemies had been struck down when they tried to open the weapon, not realizing what it actually was. He climbed slowly out of bed. His legs felt like cotton and he had to steady himself. " Bugger, this way I am no help to her."

Marcus opened the bedroom door, which was normally not locked at all. He felt like he was turning into stone as he saw Susan on the floor. Her nightgown was ripped but she was fighting the black haired man with every one of her courage. Another man was trying to get to his feet. Marcus knew he had to act quickly. He could see a certain look in Susan’s attackers eyes he had seen in Wallace’s. " Get off of her!" Marcus yelled, hoping the element of surprise could work in his advantage this time. He acted a lot braver than he felt. He wanted to go back into the bedroom, lock the door and hide beneath the bed. But Susan needed him. She was putting up one hell of a fight. Hearing his voice the intruder turned and focused his attention at the ranger. His partner in crime had succeeded in making his way to his friend. It was two against one and Marcus knew he would crumble at the first blow.

" What have we here? A crippled ranger. Lets get this over with and kill him, then we can turn our attention back to the whore."

Marcus held his ground as the two man approached. He was hearing Wallace’s voice telling him he would be maimed for all his life, over and over again.

Susan saw the sudden change on his face, knowing the memories were fighting their way back through his soul. Susan only needed the moment of distraction Marcus had provided her with. She rolled over to the cupboard where she hid her gun. The two intruders had ignored her, thinking she was intimidated and scared. They would have to pay for that mistake. Susan fired her gun at the man standing closest to her, afraid to hit Marcus by accident. Her hand was shaking.

Marcus shook the memories from his mind after one last attempt, but the spy had all the time he needed to strike at him. Marcus saw the blow coming. He knew he wouldn't be able to deflect the blow but stretched out his hand and extended the pike. The two blows were delivered simultaneously. The spy was knocked out cold, dropping to the floor. Marcus staggered and fell to the wall as the blow connected with his chest, sending waves of pain from his ribcage through his entire body. He sank down to the floor.

Susan grabbed her link and while calling security, she made her way to Marcus. " Marcus, are you okay?" There was no reply and Susan was about to call Stephen as well when Marcus sighed a response.

" I will be all right, love, don't worry."

Susan felt tears dripping from her chin as she gathered him in her arms. She shook with relief.

Marcus welcomed her embrace. When he discovered the intruder wasn't Wallace he had managed to lock away his fear. For the first time he didn't feel any shame when Susan held him. He responded to the embrace and kissed her light on her lips. Susan frantically possessed his lips, wanting him, wanting to feel him, be with him. They had to let go of each other when John, Michael and a security team entered her quarters.

" Our two missing Earthforce spies," Susan told them

John made sure Susan and Marcus were okay. He knew they would appreciate Michael’s help more than his and took charge in leading the prisoners to the brig.

" Do I have to call the doc?" Michael asked as he and Susan helped the ranger to his feet.

Marcus closed the pike and shook his head at Michael’s question. " I will be just fine, once I can sit down."

They sat him down on the couch. Michael sensed their need for privacy and left discretely. Although Marcus had insisted he was fine Michael would pay Stephen a visit, making sure the doctor would monitor Marcus' condition.

Susan stroked back some of his tangled, dark hair which felt so soft. Her dress was ripped and a bit of her breasts showed. But she didn't mind. The only thing she wanted to do was hold and comfort him. She shuddered, amazed, as she felt his hand caressing one of her nipples. She raised his chin and saw the scared expectation in his eyes. " Lets go back to bed and continue...this exploration ..." Her voice trembled, speaking those words. As she led him to her bed she knew the time had come to start a new chapter in their relationship and no matter what Wallace had done to him in her eyes he was still a virgin and she would make sure his 'first' time would be beautiful.

 

The end


End file.
